Permission
by fanmin
Summary: James and Logan are getting married. They're trying to get permission from their family. Each chapter has different action, problem, point of view, time set, and other things that make the story whole. Future side stories will be added - James/Logan
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Permission Ch 1

**Main characters:** Logan Mitchell, James Diamond, Brooke Diamond

**Side characters:** Mr. Diamond, Kendall, Carlos, Camille, Hortence(OC) (Some are only mentioned)

**Rating: **Between K+ and T supposedly

**Warning:** Slash Jagan

**Spoiler: **Big Time Moms (mostly), some other episodes which I forgot the title

Summary: James and Logan are getting married. They're trying to get permission from James's parents. Told in Logan's POV.

A/N: In a universe where James's parents did not divorce. This was written before I got to listen clearly that James said his parents divorced and never talked again. I'm bad at listening in English, so sorry.

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><p>"We have been standing here for what? Almost an hour!" I sighed.<p>

"I know, okay? Nothing will be solved if we do nothing! How about I knock the door, then you _start_ the conversation about this, I will help if you stutter?" He suggested.

Sometimes I wished I could hate James for being a chicken in such important moment. But I knew he knew I couldn't stay mad at him long. Not that I had ever really got mad at anyone.

Uh, well, my name's Logan Mitchell. Born as Hortence Mitchell but apparently someone did not like that name. I didn't either, so when that someone changed it into Logan I was totally fine. Grateful even. I used to live here in Minnesota. I had three best friends named James, Kendall, and Carlos, with whom I spent my school days and played hockey. One day James told us he wanted to be a singer, and the audition was held in Los Angeles. Being what-friends-are-for, we supported James's dream by accompanying him there. James didn't pass, Kendall passed, but he did something that miraculously put all four of us in a boyband called "Big Time Rush." It was still a wonder to me how this all happened.

Lots of exciting things happened since that. We moved to L.A., which caused a little fight between me and my father. We lived fun life in Palm Woods. We recorded songs and music videos and held concerts. We became famous. Kendall got a girlfriend. Carlos tried to get one of three girlfriends. James became ladies' man. I hung out with a girl named Camille though we weren't really going out.

Why didn't I go out with Camille? Because I had been in love with James since I discovered my sexual orientation. Why did James never stick with one lady only? Because he was not into women either. He had also been in love with me. That was a fact we found out after few months of living together. Kendall and Carlos accepted wholeheartedly our relationship so nothing even mattered.

Now I was twenty. James recently proposed me, of course I agreed. The problem was how we got his mother's allowance.

Mrs. Diamond was… scary. No one could say no to what she ordered. James did, but only once. She was the one who changed my name after all. She almost destroyed Big Time Rush by almost taking James back to Minnesota. So she sooooo had the ability to split James and I up now.

That scared me more than anything. Even James too.

"Logie, stop spacing out!" James's voice turned my attention back into task at hand. "Are you alright?"

"Not fine, Jamie. I'm _terrified_."

He sighed and engulfed me in his warm embrace. "It'll be alright. Let's face this together, Logie. No matter what she'll say, I will never stop loving you and seeing you anytime I want." His words had some strange magical soothing effect, as always.

I nodded, feeling reassured. Gathering all my courage, I lifted my hand to knock the door. But before my hand even made a contact with the wood the door was opened.

"Whoaa!" Both James and I failed not to scream out of surprise.

We tensed down to know that it wasn't James's mother who opened the door, but the maid who had been working there ever since James first learned how to spell his name. "Young Master! What a surprise you came home! And Master Mitchell too. Welcome!" She smiled very warmly.

"Umm… Is Mom home?" James hesitantly asked.

"She is. Come on in, Master." I muttered a quiet thanks to her. She had always been nice towards me, Kendall, and Carlos.

Few minutes later, James and I were sitting together in one long couch, Mr. Diamond in one couch, and Mrs. Diamond in the other couch. I gulped uneasily. But James held my hand behind and squeezed it to give comfort for both of us.

"I'll get to the point, Mom. I…" James looked like he was ready. I closed my eyes. But no words came out. "I…" Darn, I should have learned how James was never the one to rely to admit something! Look how he failed to admit he kissed Camille years ago! "I….."

"We're planning to get married, Mr. and Mrs. Diamond, soon… So we're here asking for your permission…" Not only James and his parents, I too was surprised how easy it seemed to come out from my mouth. James's hand intertwined mine, telling how proud he was, reassuring that everything would turn alright. If he didn't do that, the following silence might have kill me.

"Well…" Mr. Diamond was the first one to speak. The silence was broken but that didn't make my thumping heart any better. "We have long known that our son is... into guys. I thought they were just his silly little crushes, who knows it turns to be serious?"

Wasn't that the beginning of a polite rejection? Tears slowly filled my eyes, but I swore I wouldn't cry.

"Dad, I really love Logan. I'm very serious about this. Please, Dad, Mom, let me marry him."

Mr. Diamond looked at his wife, who seemed to have the final decision. Neither male in the room could read her expression. Since she didn't show any sign that she was going to decide right that moment, Mr. Diamond continued to send me questions, "What qualities do you actually have, Logan, to dare marrying James? You do know that we want the best for our son, right?"

I turned to James, who was looking at me too. His eyes were encouraging, like he knew I was able to give the best answer in the world. Goddamn I didn't prepare any answers for that! "I love him. I can promise here right now that it is my will to continue to love him. If we're ever apart it must have been James's will to lea― oww!" I winced, perhaps too loudly. I looked at my lover questioningly and muttered 'why' silently. Why did he have to elbow my waist like that? It didn't really hurt though, just surprising. But couldn't he tell that I was super nervous right now?

He gave me a glare in return. "Why do you say that? You know I will never ever leave you! We will never ever be apart! Not even in an 'if'!"

"Yeah so what should I say? I can't think much. The quality I'm proud of is only how great my love for you!"

"You can say you're an amazingly talented singer, dancer, and rapper! You're also very smart! Being a doctor as a dream you can achieve anytime you decide to go to med school! You're kind, sweet, logical, you can keep me balanced, you are the only one that fits my narcissistic, egoistical, stupid behaviour. Tell my parents _that_!"

I almost forgot we were still in front of James's parents. He seemed did.

"Boys, stop it! How can you argue when you're asking for our permission? What if you two get into fight like everyday after you're married?" said Mr. Diamond. "Logan, with all honesty, I'm going to approve you. Don't make me change my mind, okay? It's up to your mother now, James."

Mrs. Diamond took a sip of her coffee that was previously served by the maid. "Well Logan I do have one simple question for you. My permission depends on your answer."

James's hand moved to capture mine again as I nodded. This time he didn't bother to hide it behind.

"Tell me why you keep going with the name 'Logan'. I remember telling your friends to call you that simply because I don't like the name 'Hortence'."

James and his father suddenly got interested as well.

_She doesn't like you, Logie! She's just trying to find any reason to reject you! Whatever answer you throw, she's going to push you!_ My timid mind screamed. I shook my head slightly to kill those stupid bad thoughts. _Just say the truth. It doesn't matter right? Just maybe, she's at least moved by your honesty!_

"I was named after my father, exactly the same, Hortence Mitchell. Honestly, I never like my name. Not that I don't feel grateful, or think that the name is stupid, no. It's just, being named exactly the same with father is no fun. People mistook us a lot. There's one time when a girl sent me a love letter and my father got to read it. It was extremely embarrassing that way..." James rolled his eyes at my last sentence, but I didn't bother to explain that of course I rejected her. I took a deep breath to continue. "Receiving a new name from a best friend's mother I just met was surprising though. Kendall and Carlos started calling me Logan only around you because we feared you. But then I told them to call me Logan maybe just because I need a name that will distinguish me from my father."

"So you feared me? Hm? You still fear me?"

"Uh...sometimes?"

She asked even before I really finished my answer. "Now?"

So I answered right after she finished her question. "Yes!" I slapped my face. "I mean, I do fear you, because you're going to decide whether I will face my biggest fear, losing James."

Mrs. Diamond sipped her coffee again, while James and Mr. Diamond got more tensed. And me? I was far more than just tensed. I almost freaked out. My heart wouldn't keep its usually normal calm beat. My skin was cold with sweat. And if James didn't hold me I might have fainted since before.

"You're doing great, Logie. I can't believe you can be so brave. I'm proud of you!" said James quietly. He kissed my temple and laced our fingers together again.

"Really? Shouldn't I have said it's because she's the one given me that name or something? Because I like the name? Or anything?" I whispered back. "Shouldn't I have said I don't fear her at all? Or I really fear her? My answer sounds so timid and indecisive and cheesy at the end."

"No. Your honesty is one of the many things I love about you, Logie."

Mr. Diamond coughed again. Duh, I almost forgot we were still here again. Mrs. Diamond cracked a small smile. Wait, did that mean..? "So, Logan, mind if I give you another new name?"

I frowned. James did too. First, she was never the type to ask about it. She could have just told me to change my name like before. Second, was it just her hobby to change people's name? Weird.

"Mom? I'm really used to call him Logie now what new name you're going to give him? What about the permission? Do we get it?" James became frustrated.

"Ssh, James. You're so impatient. I asked Logan if he minds me changing his name again."

I shook my head to answer it. She looked amused. "You don't mind? Because you fear me?"

"No! Just because, uh, what's in the name? My only concern right now is not what my name is, Mrs. Diamond."

Suddenly she stood up. Spontaneously I jumped slightly at James's direction, startled. Had I been too insolent? I shut my eyes, expecting the worst. But Mrs. Diamond sat beside me, on the couch's armrest, pulled me into a hug. I could only stare at her in shock. James looked at me, his mother, and father repeatedly, seemed confused what was exactly going on.

"It is your concern, Boy. Cause I'm turning your name into Logan _Diamond_."

Hearing that, James jumped out of the couch and screamed happily, "YES! Ooooh Yeah, Oh Yeah Oh Yeah! Is screaming Ooooh Yeah Yeahhhh!" He even sang one of Big Time Rush's songs, the one we composed together. While I was still in too much shock to move. Mrs. Diamond must have felt like hugging a statue.

"Exactly why? Care to explain?" It was Mr. Diamond asking. James was actually curious too, but he became too happy to care for the reason.

"When James told us that he's gay, we were slightly disappointed. But for me, it doesn't matter a guy or a girl as long as this person can make James happy, and is a good person, I'll accept. And you! How can I not? You've been friends with James since what? Pre-schooler? Little James often talked about his friends. About you. He said you're smart, kind, and all the nice things James has said just earlier. I just witness today how you two really do love each other. And you're very honest and humble, Logan, that is plus point. Just stop looking down at yourself, that is not good. Tsk, James and you really complete each other's lack, don't you?"

"And about your name, actually I don't really decide based on your answer. It's just a little curiousity. And also to tell you that I'll change your surname by letting you and James get married."

"Thank you... Thank you Mrs. Diamond..." The tears I held before now flew uncontrollably, out of happiness and gratefulness. "Thank you..."

Suddenly I felt a tug on my left arm. I looked up to see James forcefully separating his mother from me and then had me in his hug. "James what―"

"Thanks, Mom, Dad. We really love you two. Now let me do my job to shoo his tears away, okay?" James smiled and pulled my hand to go outside. "Oh, finally! Come on, Logie!"

"James but we haven't―James! Your parents! It's so rude to just leave like this!" As my lover dragged me out, I faintly saw a pure smile formed in Mrs. Diamond's lips.

Inside his car, James kissed my tears away. I giggled, feeling so much relieved and contented we got James's parents permission to get married.

"I really love you, Logie."

"I do too, Jamie."

-End of Chapter 1-

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><p>AN: Reviews are highly appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Permission Ch 2

**Main characters:** Brooke Diamond

**Side characters:** Logan, James (Some are only mentioned)

**Warning:** Slash Jagan

Summary: Brooke's life after Logan and James get married, which will be in later chapter. (Just so you know that it's going to have happy ending)

A/N: In a universe where Logan was named after his father, Hortence Mitchell. And Brooke told the guys to call Hortence as 'Logan' when they're about twelve.

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><p>Brooke Diamond once got interested in making James the model of her cosmetic products. That was not wrong. She had a pretty good-looking son after all. But James declined, saying that he preferred other brand of cosmetic.<p>

Getting a son in law raised that dead dream back to life.

"Your skin is beautiful, Logan! Too pale though. Try this cream, it'll make your face look more fresh!" Logan agreed but when the cream stung his skin, though it meant the cream was working, he swore he would decline the next times.

"You have great profile, Logan! Why don't you learn modelling? You can be our finest model!" Logan declined, saying that he's already been very busy with his doctor job, that it alone sometimes caused him lack of sleep. He didn't want to add another job, not that moment.

"You're pretty, Logan! Why don't you become a girl and give birth to some cute babies?" Logan did not feel offended one bit because he knew Brooke didn't mean to offend him. He said he would love to if only his God allowed him to. Brooke only chuckled at his son in law's adorableness.

Logan day by day got more bravery to say no directly to her face, James learned too. Brooke felt slightly...weird. Closer to happy than disappointed. She never met anyone who didn't fear her, not even his husband and son, but Logan's coming seemed to bring out few changes. Good ones.

Logan treated her like his own mother. He claimed to have four mothers. Brooke thought he was cute when he apologized he used to think he got only three, his, Kendall's, and Carlos's, excluding her because she was scary. Oh, his honesty had always made him lovelier than he'd ever been.

It's only fair if Brooke did too, right? So she let herself love Logan like he had always been his son.

There's a secret why she hated the name 'Hortence', but that was not exactly the reason why she suddenly changed his name like that. It was just the longing feeling. Logan in his early teen was so cute, it grew some maternal feelings inside her. It was weird though. She named his own son 'James', she suddenly wanted to name that Hortence something and the name 'Logan' popped out of nowhere.

But this, she wasn't going to let anyone knew. She let everybody thought she was terrifying, as long as his two sons no longer did so.

-End of Chapter 2-


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Permission Ch 3

**Main characters:** Hortence Mitchell(OC), Logan Mitchell

**Side characters:** Brooke, James, Joanna, Kendall, Carlos, Sylvia, Jennifer (Some are only mentioned)

**Warning:** Slash Jagan

Summary: Logan before he joined Big Time Rush. Told in his father's point of view, thus Logan's name will be referred as 'Hortence'.

A/N: In a universe where Logan was named after his father (Hortence Mitchell); Brooke told the guys to call 'Hortence' as 'Logan' when they're about twelve; the audition was in L.A. not Minnesota with Logan driving to there; and Logan _can_ dance and sing from the start. I just re-watched Big Time Audition and realized my mistake, so sorry. Getting angstier because the author _ships_ angst.

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><p>My name's Hortence Mitchell. I married my wife at age twenty and she gave birth to a baby boy two years after. I named him after myself. Why? No particular reason. My father was named after his father. Mine was not, but I did think it was just fine and legal. Nothing was wrong with naming your son after yourself! I meant, look at those glorious kings in the history!<p>

Joanna, my wife, didn't seem to mind. So that's how my baby Hortence Mitchell got his name.

He grew to be a very obedient boy. He's cute and sweet, almost like a girl, but he was manly in few cases. He's astoundingly smart, scored A+ in most of all his subjects. He sang well. He was also into dancing, which he did with his group of friends often. And I knew he was popular too with girls because I once read a love letter directed to him, which I read because we shared exact same name. He looked so embarrassed like he was going to die, so I apologized. It surprised me that later I asked if he dated that girl he said no.

"I don't really like her in the same way, Dad. I'm afraid I'll end up hurting her." Was his reason.

His weak points were probably his timidity. I repeatedly told him to gain more self confidence but it was something related to personality, I couldn't really fix it. Actually that just made him endearingly sweet.

No one was perfect so why bother changing what made him different? That was my thought. I'd let him find _Hortence_ in himself.

One day Hortence brought home his three guy friends and introduced them as James, Kendall, and Carlos. They seemed nice, and the most important thing was that my son was happy hanging out with them. Something caught my interest though. When I was going to deliver some drinks to his room, I heard his friends calling him not 'Hortence' but uh... 'Logan'? What was that? A nickname? Wasn't nickname supposed to be taken by the original name? Like Samantha became Sam, or Fredward became Freddie? Logan and Hortence were complete far and not related!

So I decided to ask. "Hortence, come here, Sonny boy!" I called my son when he had just finished brushing his teeth and heading back to his room. He flashed his dimply smile and came to me instead, in family room.

"Yes, Dad?"

"There's something Daddy wants to ask you. Come here, come here!" I patted the free spot next to me on the couch. He happily bounced down on it. His mood must have been good that day. "Actually, Daddy has been wondering. Why do your friends call you 'Logan'? Daddy doesn't remember giving you that name."

He looked surprised, if not shocked. "Uh, Logan? Maybe Dad's mistaken? Maybe we're talking about my friend at school named Logan, not calling me."

"Hortence, Daddy knows you are not a liar. You don't feel comfortable when you're lying, right? So don't do that!"

My son sighed. "Sorry, Dad. Well, of course Daddy doesn't remember naming me Logan because it's not Daddy who did. It's James's mother. She doesn't like my name and she told Kendall and Carlos to start calling me Logan."

I frowned. Who was she to be so righteous about my son's name? Who cares if she likes _our_ names or not? "And why exactly do you guys agree?"

"She is scary. Pretty but scary," he made a horrified expression as he remembered her again. "But it doesn't matter, Dad, my real name is always Hortence Mitchell. It's just a nickname. It's not that I hate it."

Although my son said that, I still had this upset feelings at that such weird women who changed others' names as she pleased.

When Hortence graduated from his elementary school, I was the one who came to his school to take his report card. It was usually Joanna, but she had some bazaar to hold while I had no business today. The other reason was I was curious to see what James's mother looked like.

"Don't scold her for changing my name, Dad, promise me!" Hortence for the nth time reprimanded me. "She is really scary. I don't want her to hate me or something. What if I'm never allowed to play with James again? I like James."

"I promise." Heck, my son was so cute I couldn't help but to cancel what I planned to say when I'm meeting her.

My son never ceased to make me proud of him. He got the first rank throughout his school with only two A's in his report card, the rest were A+'s. I ruffled his short chocolate hair delightfully, "Great job, Hortence. Your mom and I are so gonna get you present for this." He beamed at my promise.

"Ah! Let's meet up with James and the rest. I'm sure they come with their parents." The kid dragged me into the crowd, his eyes searching for his friends. A minute later, the kids were already chatting with each other. Sylvia and Jennifer, Carlos's and Kendall's mother, were trying to converse with me but I felt uncomfortable. I was never good with socializing, moreover to the mothers of my kid's best friends.

"Carlos, Kendall, have you seen James?" I heard Hortence asking.

"Sure, lots of times. Everytime I saw him he's always with you," answered Kendall randomly.

"Which is why we wonder why he isn't with you now. We thought you are glued to each other in the hands. We often see you walk hand by hand!" Carlos added.

They walked hand by hand? Now that was strange. But they're just kids... My thoughts were interrupted when a boy who seemed to be James ran at them.

"Hey guys! Sorry I'm late. My mother's late again. She's too busy with her business. So after taking this report card, I have to go quickly."

"It's okay, James. Oh, my father wants to see your mother. Where's she?"

"She's...ah..." The pretty kid looked around, trying to catch a glimpse of his mother out of the crowd, "there! Mom!" He pointed at one direction and ran there.

I looked up to see his direction, and my breath was caught. His mother was... her?

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><p>Her name was Brooke Diamond. I first knew her as the class president of my class when I was eleventh grader. She was smart, pretty, and scary. She had this ruling aura that would make you obey what she wanted, not in a bad way. And she was beautifully gorgeous.<p>

I was drawn to her at first sight. But I had had a girlfriend already. What I felt towards her was more to one time attraction and admiration, nothing more nothing less. I had no intention to break up with Joanna because I loved her so much, but apparently Brooke didn't know this. Maybe I was too close to her. Maybe I was being too kind. She mistook it and confessed to me.

That was my first time receiving a confession (I was the one who confessed to Joanna) and I didn't know how to reject her. So I did it, perhaps too painfully. I was the honest type of person, so I told her, "Sorry, Brooke. But I don't love you that way. I like you as friends. And I've already had a girlfriend, Joanna." She cried and all I did was leaving her alone. Perfect!

We never spoke to each other until we graduated. So who expected us to meet again years after, on our kids' elementary school graduation day?

She didn't change really much. Still pretty, still scary. Just like how my son portrayed her to be. A blatant surprise expression was visible in her face when she saw me.

"I'm Hortence's father, nice to meet you again, Brooke." I smiled and opened the conversation.

"Ah, Logan. Well, you too, Hortence. How are you?" Though still shocked, she managed to smile too.

"I'm very fine, thank you!"

"Your father knows my mother, Logie? Are they friends?" Her son asked, making me flinch at the pet name. 'Logie'? Did all members of that Diamond family like to call people as the please like that?

"I don't know... Maybe? But they don't look happy meeting each other."

Great! Even my son knew how fake this smile on my lips was. I couldn't help breaking my little promise with Hortence my son and asked, "May I know why do you dislike my son's name? Don't tell me you hate _me_ that much."

"Dad!" Hortence ran to me and hit my waist. I let out a small yelp as he did that. "You promised me!" I chose to ignore him.

"I just don't like that name. And I don't hate you. You're not one of my favourite persons but I don't hate you." Came her simple answer. With a tone that told you not to intrigue further because her answer was done and final.

The kids and their mothers were looking at me questioningly. I sighed. "Come on, Hortence. Let's go. We'll get your presents."

My son didn't look as pleased as earlier, but he nodded. He was always obedient to me, of which I was so proud. "Bye, James. Bye, Kendall. Bye, Carlos. See you guys again in that junior high school we applied."

In the car...

"Daddy won't forbid me to be friends with James, will you?"

How could I refuse if he asked me like that? "Yes, Hortence. It's his mother and I who have the problems, we don't have any rights to control our kids' relationship."

Hortence looked like he wanted to add something, but he backed out. Instead, he hugged me from his seat. "Thanks Dad! I love you!"

"Love you too, Son."

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><p>"WHAT?"<p>

I couldn't believe my ears. My wife must have said something else. There was no way that my son was... Oh well, he was cute and lovely but he couldn't have been...

Hortence was crying and Joanna was hugging him from the right. "Hortence, it is not Logan's fault. No one could choose with whom they will fall in love." Great, even my wife had gotten used to calling him 'Logan'.

I felt like slapping him, punching him, straight to the head until he remembered he was a guy and was supposed to fall in love with girls. This just didn't make any sense! Which I almost did. My right arm had raised but I backed off. I could not, would not hit my only son. I loved him. And the least I wanted was him hating me, thinking I was a mean father who couldn't understand his son.

"I don't know, Hortence. I'm disappointed."

His tears only flowed more hearing what I said. I let out a heavy sigh. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. "Who?" Hortence looked up to me with teary eyes, not catching what I meant. "Who is the _guy_ who made you realize this? Who is it that you like?"

"Will you forbid me being –hics– friends with him...Dad?"

Argh I knew it! "James. Again." His silence meant my guess was right. I smacked my forehead, suddenly feeling dizzy. "Is he _like you_? I mean does he have the same feelings? You once said that this James is popular with girls. He's going out with different girl every week. You know that yet you still fall for that kid? Dad just doesn't want you sad. Dad doesn't want you to feel heart broken."

"No...Dad. I have these hurting feelings everytime he's going out with girls –hics– that now it doesn't hurt that much anymore. I don't plan to tell him. I don't wish him to reply my feelings. Actually I never want to tell anyone that I am gay but... –hics– but you're my parents I thought... you will accept me..."

I gave up. He _trusted _me! For that simple reason, I gave up. So I sat on his left and joined my wife to hug him. "...Dad?"

"I'm glad you're brave enough to tell us, Hortence. Thank you for trusting us. You're our only son, our Hortence Mitchell. I will let you find yourself and if that is what you found, I can't do anything. You will decide what makes you happy."

"Thanks Dad. I really love you..." Hortence smiled, showing pure happiness and relief, and he hugged me back. Joanna nodded at me, approving my actions. I let out another heavy sigh as I brushed my hand on my son's soft brown hair. This was not right. I did realize I spoiled him too much.

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><p>"Dad, I'm going to L.A. this weekend."<p>

My son had grown up to be a handsome charming teen. He's independent, still obedient, very kind hearted, diligent, and so talented. It wasn't a parent boasting if I called my son perfect. Oh he was still timid, slightly geeky sometimes, but didn't that just make him adorable? Like you wanted to protect him forever? Oh geez that could be one reason why he liked guys instead of girls. I always groaned when I remembered that. We never discussed about it again though, but I knew my son still got something for that James Diamond.

Oh, back to what Hortence was saying. "L.A.? What for? Need I to drive?"

"James's going to audition there. He wants to be a pop star." Hortence no longer needed to refer James as a 'friend' now, he knew I would know. "So Kendall, Carlos, and I are going to accompany him. I'll drive his car. And... probably to say goodbye." His voice lowered when he said his last sentence.

I walked towards him. He stopped packing his clothes and looked at me with those tough eyes. I patted his shoulder slightly. "Well maybe James is never meant for me, Dad. If we're apart, perhaps I can find a way to see girls around me and fall in love?" He giggled bitterly.

"Hortence you don't have to act strong in front of your Daddy."

His fake smile dropped, replaced by pure sadness. But he was not going to cry. Big boys don't cry. "I really love you, Daddy! You're the best father in the world!"

I had problems ruffling his hair like I usually did, because he was now as tall as me. It wasn't necessary though. My son had already known how I loved him too.

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><p>"Dad..." My son came home with solemn face. Well, he must have broken his heart. Who to blame?<p>

"Come here, Sonny boy. It'll be alright." I extended my arm, inviting my son in my hug. But he shook his head. What was going on?

"James didn't pass." I grimaced. So he's going back? "Kendall did instead." I frowned. "A woman forced us to audition too. We all failed except Kendall. But he didn't want to sign if he was going solo. He sang weird song, insulted the producer, said that he would sign with one condition. That is if we go as boyband, all four of us. We sang, then the producer agreed." What? "So we're moving to L.A." WHAT? "Kendall's mother and sister will come with us. So you don't have to worry..."

How did it turn out like this? I had always hated James Diamond now don't blame me if I came to hate Kendall Knight too. "But how about your dream? You said you wanted to be a doctor! I know you're good at singing and dancing too, but I am not going to let your friends take over your dream!"

"I've discussed that with Kendall. The hotel-apartment we'll live in is special for those future-famous Hollywood stars. There's a school there, so I can always continue my high school education. I'll make sure being in Big Time Rush won't make me fail, Dad, I promise. But you know we won't be in Big Time Rush forever. Once everything is done, I'll go to med school. I'll be a doctor like I've always dreamt of. You'll be proud of me. I can guarantee that, Dad, I promise."

Normally I would grant whenever he pleaded and promised like this, because he had never disappointed me (except the fact that he's gay, but well, he couldn't help it). But I couldn't let it slide this time. It related to his future! His dream! Hortence had always wanted to be a doctor. It never changed since he answered the question 'What do you want to be when you grow up' was thrown in his kindergarten. How could he throw it only to please his friends?

"Dad, please, I don't want to choose my friends over you."

"Then don't!"

"Daaaad..." He started to whine. "You said you'll let me find myself. I'm looking for it now. Let's see if I find it in Big Time Rush. If I don't, I can always go back to where I had taken my wrong way."

Such a good metaphor to turn over my words. But that didn't change my mind. Not this time. "No, Hortence. You're going to graduate your high school here, going into med school right after, and becoming a doctor. That is what you've always wanted. I no longer mind if you like whoever you want to like but I refuse to let _him_ corrupt your dream."

"It's not like that! I do like singing and dancing! It's not only for James's sake. Like I said, Dad, there's also a possibility that actually I can be happier that way, being a star on stage instead of healing people at hospital."

Never once in my life I thought my son was illogical. If being in love would turn him like this, I should have prevented this by forbidding Hortence and James being friends. I shouldn't have fallen for his tears. I should have been more steadfast with my decision...

I left the room, fuming.

My son would not ever choose his friends over me, would he?

When he did, my heart broke into million pieces. I felt like I had lost my Hortence, my only son whom I loved so much.

* * *

><p>Watching TV was never my family's hobby. But lately Joanna liked to. She would call me whenever Big Time Rush was on.<p>

"Hortence our son is talented in many things. Not only science, he does well in singing and dancing too." She opened a conversation.

"I know that. I just want what's best for him."

"How do you know that being a doctor now is better than Big Time Rush? Look how happy your son is!"

I stared at the TV. It was showing one of Big Time Rush's MV called "City is Ours". I sighed. He did look happy. The other three guys seemed happy too. Maybe he had found what he was looking for. Not Hortence, but Logan. He had found Logan in himself.

I felt disappointed, but it was minor compared to how proud I was. It was not easy to admit that, but it was true. When he came home, I'd tell him that he never ceased to make me proud of him.

-End of Chapter 3-


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Permission Ch 4

**Main characters:** Logan Mitchell, James Diamond, Hortence Mitchell (OC)

**Side characters:** Joanna, Camille, Steve (Some are only mentioned)

**Warning:** Slash Jagan

Summary: James and Logan are getting married. They're trying to get permission from Logan's parents. Told in no one's POV.

A/N: In a universe where Logan was named after his father (Hortence Mitchell), the audition was in L.A. not Minnesota with Logan driving to there (I just re-watched Big Time Audition and realized my mistake, so sorry), and James _can_ drive (I don't know if he could though). Another angsty chapter. Thank you so much for people who have been reading and reviewing my stories, especially this one. You made me want to continue this again~!

* * *

><p>"James..."<p>

"Yes, Logie Bear?" The smile on James face hadn't faltered any bit ever since his mother approved their marriage.

"I'm afraid that getting my father's permission won't be as easy as your mother's."

James used his left hand that's not driving to lift his lover's face. "What's with that gloomy face? We'll face this together, _again_."

"But Jamie, your mother is scary and all we need to do is gathering all bravery we've got. We talk to her, then it's done, problem's finished. But my father! He may be silent. Or he may agree. But deep inside he'll feel sad and disappointed and that is the least I want..." Logan turned away and dropped his face to his hand.

"I'll be the one who talks to him."

Logan looked up in instant. He stared at James with incredulous expression. "Are you crazy? He _hates_ you!"

"Which is why I will talk to him. I'll make him start liking me."

"Really?" Hope flickered in Logan's eyes as James nodded. "How?"

"...I don't know." Logan's face dropped back to his still opened palm. He should have known that if _he_ didn't know, James couldn't possiblyknow. "I'll find a way. Just like suddenly you became brave enough to face my mother, I'll get your father's permission, Logie. I'm no coward."

"Jamie... Don't hurt him, okay? Don't hurt his feelings."

James nodded again, firmly. "Of course. I understand how dear he is to you. I haven't forgotten how you called for his name for weeks when we first moved to L.A. At that time I really regretted separating you from your father." Hearing that, the shorter boy blushed, slightly embarrassed being such a daddy boy.

After a few moment of silence, James spoke again, "You know... I said earlier if my mother refused to accept us, I would never stop loving you and seeing you anytime I want. But I don't want you to do that for me."

That earned a frown on his lover's face. "Huh? Why?"

"I've taken you from your father when I asked you to join Big Time Rush. I don't want to do that again, because I've just promised you not to hurt his feelings. And I don't want him to hate me more." James sighed when Logan gave him a sad look. Logan had just cried and James had cheered him, now that the tears were gone James didn't wish them to fill those chocolate eyes again. "Logan..."

"You said we'd never be apart. Not even in an 'if'. James I don't want to lose you!"

"Choose. Hurting your father or losing me?"

Logan gaped in shock. How can James ask him to make such choice? "James!"

As they arrived, James parked the car in front of Logan's house. He gave his lover a smile. "Sorry, Logie Baby. No, don't choose. It's not your choice to make." James leaned to kiss Logan, sharing comfort and fears. "I don't want to lose you either, Logan. That leaves me no choice. I _must_ get your father's permission. Even if it takes million years."

James knew it was not enough to calm his panicking boyfriend. He himself was not calm either.

* * *

><p>Hortence Mitchell couldn't accept it. Not at all. He thought Logan's feeling for James was just little crush, and as the time went on, as the boy grew up, he'd learn that eventhough he was into men, it was women whom he should marry. Hortence thought Logan was smart enough to understand that his parents <em>wanted<em> a daughter in law and grandchildren from him.

And of all guys in the world, it had to be James Diamond. The son of the woman that he was now awkward to. The kid who made Logan realized he's gay. The person who diverted Logan's dream from being a doctor into a member of famous boyband. The James whom Logan chose over his own father.

"What's with that Camille girl? You once told Dad about her."

"I'm close to her but we're not going out, Dad. She's now with a guy named Steve. They have made acting career together," Logan explained.

"Hh, honestly Hortence. I can accept the fact that you're gay, but a marriage? I don't know how it turns serious between you and James." Hortence Mitchell turned his vision to James. "I'll say this just to the point so you understand. As he grows up, I've always thought, if he's gay then fine, he could fuck a guy every now and then but at the end, it has to be a girl he should marry."

Logan's heart broke as he heard what his father said. He didn't believe his father could be that straight forward, that he actually never really supported his sexual orientation. A single drop of tear fell down his cheek, followed by million of others forming a stream.

James was in shock, even more. He was rejected, simply because he was a _man_. James couldn't accept that reasoning either. If he could, he would turn into a woman as long as it meant he didn't lose his Logan. But how was that possible? "Mr. Mitchell, isn't there anything I could do to change your mind?"

"I'm afraid not." Hortence Mitchell stood up, his face still as cold as earlier, so James didn't hope that he would hug him like what his mother did Logan. "You two might leave now, ignore me, and get married. But I'm not going to call you son in law, ever." His eyes were sharp on James. With that, Hortence left the two alone.

Joanna Mitchell, who had been watching them from the kitchen, also cried seeing her miserable son. Unfortunately she could do nothing to change her husband's mind. She had been trying, all these years, to soften his heart but it was to no avail.

"Logan, Logan, hear me out." James with his also teary eyes cupped his lover's face gently. "You're going to stay here with your family. I'm going back to L.A. to bring our belongings back then going back to my house too."

"No! You said you'd never leave me! James!"

"I don't have any intention of leaving you, Logie. Please, just listen to me. I love you and always do. But we'll marry only if both our parents agree. For him to change his mind, I'd wait forever." James wiped his lover's tears with his thumbs. "I've promised not to hurt your father's feelings, remember? So you should be his darling son. You're the only one who can change his decision. Not by force, Logie. But with love... and time. You're his son. You love him more than anything. He loves you more than anything. He wants you to be happy. But for him to realize that you're the happiest with me, he needs time. He needs his son's love. His feelings have already been hurt when you left for BTR so you're going to heal him back because you're the only one who can."

James knew Logan understood his point when the boy's tears stopped flowing. "You sure?"

"One hundred percent sure."

"What if―" His voice was cut by a brief kiss his boyfriend planted on his lips. The look on James's eyes told Logan that he hated the word 'if' when it was used for conditioning them being broken up. "James... Fine, I'm going to trust you..." They both smiled through tears were still wet on their face. "By the way, how did you get so smart? I feel like I'm no longer the genius in our band."

That earned a giggle. "Just how exactly you got bravery to face my mother." Logan managed to grin too.

"I love you, Jamie. I'll miss you."

"Do I still need to tell you that I love you too? I've said it like million times already."

"Yes, you do. You haven't reached a billion yet."

"Fine. I love you too, Logie. I'll miss you more. Tell your parents I'm leaving."

James wiped his own face clean from any tear trails. They hugged one more time before James walked out the house and drove to L.A. As soon as Logan heard the sound of the car leaving, he broke down into tears again. James would come back to deliver his belongings later, but after that they were going to part for who knew how long. Logan himself wasn't so sure that he could _ever_ change his father's decision.

His father loved him more than anything? Logan doubted it. If he did then why did he so oppose the fact that his son liked the same sex and wanted to marry someone he loved with all his heart?

But Logan wanted to trust his lover.

Everything's going to be alright.

Wasn't it?

* * *

><p>The sight tore Hortence's heart. Logan was curling on the couch he previously sat on with James. The boy was asleep with face wet of tears. He normally looked calm and peaceful (if not exhausted) when sleeping, but now even the stranger could tell that he's having burdens in his mind.<p>

"You heard what that James kid say, didn't you Hortence? Seriously, how can you not fall for that?" The mother decided it was best to show up now. She had dried her tears since before.

"Shut it, Joanna."

"Is that a proper way to talk to your wife?" Joanna came to his husband's side, also watching their sleeping son with equally pained expression. "Your son's going to hate you if you keep on being like this."

"I've always been aware of that, no need to remind me."

Joanna let out a heavy sigh. Really, her husband's stubbornness would just hinder Logan's, James's, and even his own happiness. Just what could possibly be able to knock the sense into his head? She wished she knew.

-End of Chapter 4-


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** Permission Ch 5

**Main characters:** Logan Mitchell

**Side characters:** James, Hortence (OC), Joanna, Carlos, Kendall, other unimportant OCs

**Warning:** Slash Jagan, Broken Engrish, Biology and Psychology (since this is going on around hospital and medical stuffs)

Summary: Six years after James and Logan parted.

A/N: I wrote Logan's age twenty five when I posted the first chapter, but I've edited it into twenty. I thought the guys in the show had their actual age, it turned out they're still teens! So, pardon me. Geez, I made too many mistakes. And, in case you're wondering in what time the chapter 2 happened, it was not right after chapter 1. It was after James and Logan got married, which was in later chapters. Chapter 2 was like a side story. Sorry for confusing, but I had planned to make the chapters jumble in time orders. More side stories will come that's actually the reason why this chapter has bunch of boring stuffs. :)

* * *

><p>Logan turned twenty six this year.<p>

It had been six years since he last saw his best friends, as his father had limited his social life. Logan had taken up medical school and would soon graduate with cum laude. Nationally famous hospitals had already offered him awesome jobs for his talents, and all he needed to do is pick one. His childhood dream would finally come true.

Was he happy? Of course. Who doesn't feel happy if one gets his dreams fulfilled? Logan was not all complete though. He lacked here and there, like confidence, swagger, and love. But he learned how to feel grateful he wouldn't let his lacks destroy all the good things he owned.

Love...

It wasn't that after BTR disbanded he became unpopular or anything else. Logan was charming, talented, and handsome. He received lots of confessions. However he had to reject them all. Logan was gay. He couldn't like girls in the same way no matter how hard he tried to. Three times dating girls resulted more annoyance than romance. One time dating one of his guy friends raised lust out instead of love. Why? Because he once fell for someone and when that someone's gone Logan hadn't had the chance to get his heart back.

James...

Logan didn't know where James was now. And Kendall and Carlos. As if just disappearing to the end of the world, Logan had done no contact with them all these six years, at all. Everyday he went to the campus from early in the morning until late in the evening, barely had any time to go out. Even sometimes he stayed for research.

Six years! Perhaps Carlos had gotten some girlfriend, or even wife. Perhaps Kendall and Jo had gotten children. Perhaps James had moved on.

Trust...

A little trust Logan had put on James's words was what made the cute adult stay strong all this time. He had rebuilt his relationship with his parents. His mother had been supporting whatever Logan's choice, as always. While his father had _finally_ softened. They never had proper talk about it though, but Logan just knew. As much as Hortence Mitchell wanted a daughter-in-law, his son's happiness would always come in first. Logan finally got to understand that, six years ago, his father just didn't want him to abandon his dream. Oh well, his father _used to_ hate James. But what's the use of hating someone when you're getting old and your son can only find happiness with him?

"Don't try to contact James, Hortence," his father still called him with his given name no matter what, "Dad will only give you two permission if he loves you enough to try to contact you." That was said once, suddenly when they weren't even mentioning such topic. It sounded final and Logan obeyed.

The thing was... Logan didn't know when James would come back. _If_ James still wanted him. Six years could be long enough to change one's feelings one hundred and eighty degrees, couldn't they?

If he knew how to, he would have killed his pessimistic personality since long long ago. He must trust James. He just had to. Or else he'd break down and started to hate his father for everything.

* * *

><p>"You've been showing admirable progress, Mr. Mitchell. A friend of mine owns a hospital that has just opened in Los Angeles. He's going to hire freshman doctors with qualities, and you, came to my mind before anyone else," said the professor when Logan submitted his thesis. "I know you have received offers from many other hospitals, but you see, it is just sort of training. For your experience. At least when you go working in huge international hospital, you will no longer have to deal with nervousness."<p>

L.A.? The city had so many memories Logan could never forget. Honestly, Logan felt slightly awkward to know he was going to L.A. again, now for entirely different job. But he really wanted this opportunity. It was his _dream_! "Sounds great, Sir. But don't I have to graduate first to get the license? Am I allowed to just work as a doctor without any legitimate license?"

"That's why I called it training. And it is a _friend_ of mine. It's not thoroughly nepotism because if you want to continue working there, you must do well and then apply for the job after you get your license!" The professor laughed. He was old, probably in his late forties, but when he was not lecturing he was very kind towards his students, mostly to those who made brilliant marks like Logan. That was why they could talk in friendly way like this.

Logan nodded in agreement. This Friday was free so they would be using the three days of holiday to do that training.

When he told his father that he was going to L.A., his father made a weird expression. Horrified, confused, but mostly pained. Logan immediately knew why. He must have reminded him about ten years ago, when Logan decided to move to L.A. for Big Time Rush. But after explaining the necessary things, Hortence Mitchell only asked, "Do your _friends_ still live there?"

Logan was pretty sure his father less cared about where Kendall and Carlos lived now. "I don't know. I've been lost contact with them, thanks to you Daddy, how could you forget? Have you gotten that old?" What he said might sound sarcastic and it would have angered Hortence a lot if it was said years ago. But now they were close enough to call such as joke.

"Hh, fine. Go! If you meet James, remember that you are not to speak anything. He has to be the one asking and if he does, tell him I let you two marry."

"I'm afraid it's late, Daddy..." Logan replied in voice barely a whisper. His father didn't catch it as he had pushed the wheels of his chair heading to his room. Oh yes, Hortence Mitchell was now in wheelchair. It was all due to one accident happened about two years ago.

It was raining hard when the car their chauffeur drove slipped and crashed into a huge tree. Joanna was thrown onto the road. Hortence and Logan were stuck between the car and the pavement, because the car flipped ninety degrees to the left. The chauffeur himself was dead because of the pieces of glass which caused him fatal injuries. Logan, being the only one who was still conscious, tried to call the hospital but his phone was unfortunately broken. So he kept struggling until finally he got free. He quickly limped towards his mother and recalled everything he had learned to try to stop her bleeding. When he's done, he came back to his father to help him free too. But it was much harder that although he had used all his strength he still failed. Before passing out, Logan checked if his father got injuries from the broken glass and bandaged them by tearing off his shirt.

Joanna recovered fast and left with five centimetre long braid on her forehead. Hortence had his thighs down paralyzed, but he got no other serious injuries. However Logan, he was in comma. Logan got cuts here and there in several parts of his body that caused him blood loss. Furthermore, being stuck also damaged some his internal organs. Few were fatal and at that moment most of the doctors were giving up. Finding donors were impossible because Logan had no siblings, while his parents were too old to be ones.

But miracles did happen! The people from his university, who majored in medical technology, used Logan, whom they assumed "dead", as their object. Hortence differed with the idea at the beginning, because he still hoped they could find the right donor, but then Joanna managed to convince him that if their son was to die, it shouldn't be in vain. Logan was always helpful, he always tried to devote himself to help others. It was one of the many reasons he wanted to become a doctor in the first place. So those people used this cell called "stem cell" and everything went miraculously smooth. The broken tissues were regenerated. And after a full year of medication in a laboratory-like room, Logan had come back to his normal healthy life.

Logan would be lying if he said the accident had no influence with how his father behaved. One day if he met James again, Logan wanted to tell him that love and time were only able to cure his father's broken heart, whereas to unfreeze his frozen heart it took his son being in between life and death.

_If_ he met James again... Logan chuckled bitterly. He shook his head to focus at the task at hand: packing.

* * *

><p>Logan started his first day by becoming a professional doctor's right hand. It reminded him of one day back on Palm Wood, when he was helping the doctor in Palm Wood clinic on prank day. Oh, of course Logan had gained more knowledge and confidence now, and the diseases the patients got were not as trivial as those prank-ed people. But he couldn't help recalling how much fun it was to help people.<p>

He did not major in only one field. His specialty was brain surgery and those heavy stuffs, but before he got his license, he was not allowed to hold an operation on his own. Therefore he only helped with the diagnostics, switching from one doctor to the other, from paediatrician, oculist, ornithology, dentist, to many others. Everybody seemed pleased with Logan's hardworking and offered him to stay helping them longer. And before Logan left to another room he always had to smile and apologize that his training here was only three days.

It was finally his last day. The only room he hadn't visited was psychology. Actually, that was not at all related to what he was studying, but Logan had determined to help _all_ fields. Well, he learned a little about psychology on his first semester though, there's nothing wrong with trying.

"What you need to do when a patient comes up is smile," the pretty young psychiatrist named Emily Frederick smiled at Logan. "Come on, try smiling!"

It was slightly awkward but he flashed his old on-stage dimply smile. "Oh, good! Your smile is so warm. Remember, a smile can be comforting and the patient will assume that we care. They'll talk their problems out. That's when we give a good comment or solution. Never ever force them to speak, because they might think we're nosey and leave immediately."

"Understood." Logan wrote down what she said on his pocket notebook. "What else?"

"Umm, you're actually pretty cute up close. I used to listen to Big Time Rush, but I liked James better back then." Logan's heart missed a beat when the name was mentioned. Slight jealousy crept up his tensed body. "How old are you? I know you're going back to Minnesota tomorrow but is it okay to ... I mean..."

Logan remembered the very first confession he received. It was from a classmate on third grade. She was sweet and cute, but the innocent Logan who didn't even understand what love meant simply thanked her for liking him and left, as if it was nothing. James smacked his head when he told him about it. Oh, James was the one who taught Logan that there existed a special feeling for a certain someone called 'love'. The second he got was written in a letter. It was sent to his house and the one who read it was 'Hortence Mitchell' his father. Logan despised love letters since then. The third was during junior high school. Logan didn't really know the girl, but he rejected her because at that time he had realized his feelings for James. Ah, everything in Logan's life always related to that pretty boy!

The same fate happened to the following, the fourth and the fifth and the sixth and the Math addict finally lost his counts. Surely, Logan was not going to add what's already plenty. "I am gay." Simple and to the point, it always worked.

"O-oh?" Emily looked flabbergasted, clearly not expecting the charming doctor-to-be to admit such fact so straightforwardly. "Oh, okay. Geez, why are handsome guys either taken or gay?" She looked disappointed despite her joke.

"Sorry, sorry. Why don't you try that paediatrician? He said he's single and he's checking you out."

"Dude, that guy is like forty!"

"Uh, he's thirty two, actually. He's still quite handsome."

Logan stopped teasing her when she gave him a glare. "You said you're gay, aren't you? Why don't you go checking him out yourself? _If_ your type is like that!" Emily was jealous but in denial, obviously. Logan had once felt the same way so he could figure it out easily.

"Nah, I've got someone I love," he smiled, considering telling her who it was _because_ she used to be his fans, "named James. James Diamond."

"I told you handsome guys are either taken or gay!" The psychiatrist huffed as she tidied her desk. After that she got out the room to place her name sign on the door. "Okay, the work starts now. Watch how I deal with our first patient, then you go for the next. We'll take turn, agree?"

"I'm doing half of your job? Not just helping? They paid me only one-fifth of your salary!"

"Disagree? Fine! I'm telling the boss that you mess up with my work, that you are not at all qualified to be a doctor, so bye bye one-fifth of my salary and the offered job here."

Logan wanted to argue more but a woman in her fifties came in. Emily quickly shooed Logan to her back while she greeted her, "Oh, welcome Mrs. Shay! Logan, this woman has been coming here four times this week. She has problem with his twin daughters. Mrs. Shay, this is Logan, my new helper." Logan's ears twitched at the word 'helper', as other doctors had used the term 'colleague', or 'assistant' at the very least. Nevertheless he showed his gentlest smile and shook hand with the woman.

"Nice to meet you, Logan," she smiled back, showing friendliness. Then her face turned solemn. She started to tell them about how their daughters still refused to talk to other people ever since their father left for another woman. Other psychiatrists she had visited told her that it was psychology shock. There were many cases of such an event could cause them mentally refusing to speak, or maybe causing them inability to speak because of brain damage. It was suspected the second, because the girls had behaved weird too recently. They never made eye contact. And they seemed not to hear what others said, almost like symptoms of autism. "But yesterday I just saw them talking to each other! In normal way, normal tone, normal language, normal eye contact! What should I do with them? I had wanted to bring them here but they _as always_ didn't even seem to hear me."

Emily squeezed her hand. "Doesn't that mean they're refusing to speak to others? Could it possibly that they can't trust any other than their twin?"

"Maybe. I have realized I'm too into my work. That could be one of the reasons my husband left me in the first place. I thought they should have understood that I worked for our living, but I guess it's wrong. I want to change. Now what should I do to gain my daughters' trust again?"

Logan recalled those days back when he's still active in Big Time Rush, when he and James were still lovebirds whose feelings were still unstable and volatile. There was one time James snapped at him. He accused Logan for studying too much and ignoring him. Logan had used the reason that he _always wanted_ to be a doctor, had promised his father he would be studying despite being in BTR, and James should have _understood_. James walked out his room with a heavy sigh and refused to talk to him for... a few hours... simply because they just couldn't be apart of each other for too long. But Logan knew exactly why James acted like that. James thought Logan didn't think he mattered. James thought Logan didn't care for him as much as he did the other.

"Refusing to talk is one of common things people do when they think other people don't understand them, or other people offend them, or perhaps they think they are not worth to speak caused by bully, either physically or mentally. They do to, consciously or not, seek attention, care, pity, or apology." Logan stated calmly. Both Emily and Mrs. Shay turned to him in interest. "In this case, if I didn't fail to understand, they seek comfort from each other because they think their twin is the only one who understands, because they feel the same pain. They think others, including you, don't think their feelings matter. They think you can't understand them. They refused talking to you because they want your attention. They want you to care."

"Is that true? I thought they hated me..."

"Logan's right. If they hated you, they would not avoid eye contact. Instead, they would look at you with hatred-filled eyes. And they would refuse talking only to you, not to others." Emily agreed.

"So what should I do to show that I care for them? I really want them to open up to me..."

"Love. Hug them, treat them ice creams, take them to their favourite places, never stop saying nice things, and never ever treat them like they are no longer able to speak. Like what most mothers in the world do to her children. Time. Be patient and wait. How long it will take depends on them, but it surely will work." Logan smiled. James was the one who told him how love and time was all it needed to heal a betrayed and broken heart. His father needed it six years, perhaps longer if the accident did not happen, but it worked.

Mrs. Shay seemed agreeing with Logan's words. "I'll try. Well, thank you Emily, thank you Logan especially. I feel kind of relieved now. Your words sound so true, I'll sue you if your idea doesn't work!" She joked a little, and the other two couldn't help but chuckle. "But really, you can be much more than just a 'helper'."

"Sorry, Mam, but my dream is to be a brain specialist and a surgeon. I'm here only having a one-day-experience, applying what I've been reading. I was once interested in psychology after all."

"Wah, awesome! Kay kay, success for both of you. I'm leaving," Mrs. Shay stepped out the room.

"Well you're indeed good. How can someone be so multitalented like you, Logan?" Emily even admitted.

"How am I multitalented? All I'm good at is memorising stuffs other people are too lazy to study about."

"Hey, you sing and dance! You rap too!"

"It's been six years. My voice has become hoarse and my body has become stiff. About rapping, well, if I add rapping and backflipping as talent, then yes, I am multitalented." Logan smiled his crooked smile.

"Being humble is good. But esteeming your self too low is not. I bet I'm not the only one who's telling you this."

"Very true. James told me that the most. Everyone does, except my father. He thinks it's good to be imperfect."

"What? Weird! All other fathers in the world would support their son to get as close as possible to perfection."

"He's weird indeed. Otherwise he wouldn't name me with his own name." Emily raised an eyebrow, which made Logan laughed a little. "Seriously. Our names are Hortence Mitchell." Logan knew the psychiatrist was going to ask the reason he was called 'Logan' so he quickly added, "Long story. Just call me Logan to make it different."

"Okaay, by the way, you didn't tell me. What happened when BTR disbanded? What about the other guys? I heard Kendall's gone to be a hockey player. And now I find you here. What about your James? And Carlos?"

Logan didn't know how to tell her the answers for those questions. Luckily for him, the door opened again, and another patient came in.

Logan frowned. The girl somehow looked familiar. She stopped by the door and scrutinized Logan too, as if trying to make sure if Logan was someone she knew. As Emily was about to speak, introducing them to each other, both suddenly clicked it in their brain, recognising who the person in front of them was.

-End of Chapter 5-


	6. Chapter 6

**Title:** Permission Ch 6

**Main characters:** Logan Mitchell, Katie Knight

**Side characters:** James, Kendall, Carlos, and almost all other Palm Wood residents (mentioned only)

**Warning:** Slash Jagan

Summary: What exactly happened during those six years Logan had missed.

A/N: First of all, biggest gratitude for everyone who has taken their time to leave reviews in previous chapters. You really make me happy! And also those who even guessed who this girl Logan met. Either correct or wrong, it makes me happy because then I got to know that you really read this fic!

For the Anonymous reviewers, I'll reply to your reviews here:

Anon 1:_Is it James daughter,Katie,stephanie, Jo? Ma'am you need to update ASAP! Why don't this story have alot of reviews? I love this story! PLEASE UPDATE!_

Fanmin: Ha, you guess quite a lot there. And bingo, one of them is correct! It's Katie! Ma'am? Am not that old xDDD Kay here's the update! Maybe I'm not that good enough in writing, that's why I'm trying to improve now :) Thank you for reading, loving, and reviewing! Means lot to me~

Anon 2: _Wait,did James have a SEX CHANGE?_

Fanmin: Lol, that's a pretty good guess! Incorrect though, but you made me want to make some kind of alternative ending. What if James indeed, got a sex change? How would Hortence Mitchell react to that? I might really write it xDD Thanks for this inspiring review!

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><p>Few minutes later, Logan and the girl, who turned out to be Katie Knight, were seated in the cafeteria downstairs. Neither initiated a chat, too busy studying each other's look which had a lot of differences compared to what they had in their memories.<p>

Katie had grown into pretty cute teen. Her hair was wavy now, still brunette coloured and long. She still had her baby face and doe eyes, but her fashion style depicted her maturely, not that of a kid anymore. No wonder Logan failed to recognise her at the beginning.

"You changed a lot... I know you're smart but you didn't use to look _that_ smart before." Katie finally spoke up. "You look old. And cold. I don't know if you still do foolish things, still make jokes and laugh and... yeah, still the same Logan I know."

"People change, Katie. I don't even know myself. I just don't have anyone to do foolish things with, to make jokes to. What about you? You too changed. You are much more feminine than I remembered."

Suddenly Katie slammed the table, no longer able to keep her emotion sealed. "Where have you been? Why haven't you, in all these six years, contacted us to say that you're _alive_?"

"I've been focusing on my dream and my father never let me search you guys so... wait, what? Alive?" Logan raised an eyebrow. That didn't sound like sarcasm.

"We all thought you're dead."

Now it was Logan's turn to slam the table and stand up. "What?"

"Calm down, you're attracting public's attention!" Katie reached out to pull Logan back to seat. "So... where should I start this? Well, after BTR officially disbanded, you and James came to Minnesota. Kendall, Mom, and I went back there too few months later. Didn't Kendall call you back then? You're telling us what happen between you and James. Remember?"

Logan nodded, a little impatient. "Carlos stayed here in L.A. He got to work with the Jennifers in some TV show. Eventhough we're apart, we still connected with each other using internet and phones. But you, you're never around. James was so depressed back then." Logan would have assured that James wasn't the only one feeling like that. "A year later, Kendall became a professional hockey player, James started acting career, and Carlos married the blonde Jennifer."

"What? Carlos married before Kendall did? And with a Jennifer? The blonde one, not the brunette? Seriously?" Too much shocking facts came in a year, the facts he had missed.

Katie smirked. "I still can't believe it either. But she loved Carlos, I can tell. Ronald, their son, will have his second birthday this March."

"Whoa. I wish I was there when they got married. Kay, what next? Don't tell me you all assume me dead just because I'm not around?"

"Jo came back from New Zealand a year after. She returned with a guy named Troy. Since then, I hated Jo. She broke Kendall's heart thoroughly. It was pretty depressing to see Kendall and James slumped together in the couch, each wearing sorrowful expression. Oh, James, he was terrible. He got better in acting sometimes I couldn't tell if he was faking a smile."

Logan's heart clenched. Eventhough he was feeling just the same every single day, he never wanted James feeling like that too. It was painful. Logan never wanted James being in any sort of pain.

"Nothing much happened since that. Oh, we received Camille and Steve's marriage invitation," Katie stopped talking to sip her strawberry smoothie. Logan smiled, knowing that Knights' preference of flavour had never changed. "When I was eighteen, I took modelling job in L.A. and that explains how I became this feminine. Why? Because James said I would make a good model."

Katie had expected Logan's reaction, head tilting, eyes constricting in wonder, lips bitten in doubts, overall curious. "When I was about to leave with Mom, James kissed me and I guessed since then we kind of dated."

With that sentence, Katie watched as Logan broke. He didn't show it, but he was not James, Logan couldn't act to hide his pain. Out of the four, Logan and Carlos had been the worst at lying. Honestly, Katie didn't want to hurt him. That man in front of her had endured much pain too. But she had no other else to blame.

Logan couldn't quell the blossoming hurt in his chest. When Katie was eighteen... He was twenty four. That was when the accident happened. That was when Logan was struggling for life. Knowing this, somehow, Logan almost thought he'd rather have died back then.

"Let's flash back again. I was seventeen when Carlos and Jennifer visited Minnesota for holiday. It was March, Jennifer gave birth to Ronald eventhough the baby was supposed to be born a month later. She had problems, I didn't really understand what it was, but the baby's position was kind of wrong and she needed a surgery. We came to the hospital to give them both support but what we saw shocked all of us."

Logan's eyes widened. "You passed me when I was in comma?"

"James saw your father in the corridor. He followed him and when he got back he was all teary. James had asked the doctors what happened to you, they all told him that only miracle could bring you back as healthy as before."

"And everyone thinks I'm dying..."

"Sometime later, about few weeks from then, James went to see you but you weren't there. Your bed was empty."

"I was in my university's hospital. They used me for practice."

"You should have contacted us, told us what happened. I thought I saw a ghost in Emily's room!" Katie bit her bottom lip, trying her best not to blow out of anger. "You should have told us what happened to you! You almost died and you let us not know? How could you?"

For a moment, silence settled between them. Logan really didn't know how he should answer that. Because his father didn't allow him to? Because he wanted to see James coming to get him back? The pain from before came back again. "Katie... How exactly James and you started dating? Why exactly did he kiss you? Because he's fallen for you? That he's not gay after all? And you too, since when exactly did you like James? Since I was still around?" A single tear dropped onto his cheek, but was quickly wiped away. Katie's anger disappeared seeing him like this. "And... why are you here? Why are you going to psychiatrist?"

She looked flabbergasted at Logan's last question. Her eyes dilated in panic. "You speak to nobody about this."

"Promise."

"It was drugs. And alcohol. I've been consuming them for past five months but I tried to stop now. With Emily's help. She made a good list to do when I craved for those addictive things."

No way. Katie, their innocent little Katie... Logan gasped. "Why? Tell me the whole story, Katie!"

"If James was depressed after you became out of reach, he was a zombie after you're 'dead'," Katie made a quotation mark at the last word. "James was like a moving skeleton with no soul. You affected him that much, I almost envied you. I wonder if I died, there'd be someone devastating over me."

"Kendall would break, for sure. Also Mama Knight. How can you forget them? James, Carlos, and I would too. Even Mr. Bitters would cry, trust me."

"Kay, that's not the point. So... at that time, I was the one beside him. Kendall was busy with his sport life. Carlos was busy with his new family. Mom... she didn't help much because all she said everyday was to let you go and stuffs. _I _was the one he came to when he cried at night. _I_ was the one he sought when you're gone. I don't know it's a pity or what, but I kinda felt something towards James. And you can't blame me for that. You're 'dead'." Katie made the quotation mark again.

She studied Logan's face, trying to read his emotion. For a moment she was silenced. The expression Logan wore showed nothing more than a mixture of sadness, pain, anger, frustration, regret, and... mostly pain.

"James once told me I had become pretty and said that I would make a good model. So I did. I didn't go to college and decided to go to L.A. for that. He gave me a kiss when Mom and I left. I guessed it meant James had moved on and seen me as a girl he possibly loved? Again, you can't blame him either. You're 'dead'."

"Can you stop saying I'm 'dead'?" Logan too made the gesture and sighed. "It's frustrating."

"Fine..." Katie paused to drink her smoothie again, barely realizing that Logan hadn't even touched his. "But James never called after that. I found myself disappointed. What did the kiss mean? I questioned it everytime I remembered him. Maybe it meant nothing at all. Or just a simple gratitude. We knew James kissed a lot of people, girls and guys, that before he fell for you. But then... Then when I came back to Minnesota for holidays, James kissed me again. And introduced me as his girlfriend to his friends. I asked him what actually was going on between us. And you know what he said? I expected an 'I love you' or 'It's nothing', but he said 'It's up to you'. By then I decided, he really had no soul. How could a relationship happen if only one of them had the intention? Two years, Logan, it had been two years and nothing changed. James wasn't James you knew anymore. He was lifeless. He wouldn't talk, wouldn't sing, wouldn't care about his look. He spoke five words a day, kissed me sometimes when I was there, and... Finally I got into alcohol and drugs to ease my pain."

"I suppose no one else knows you've been consuming them? Only me?"

"Emily Frederick, my psychiatrist. And Tyler. I met him about two weeks ago. He's become a fine charming guy. He's slim and kind of cute that I wouldn't recognize him if he didn't greet me first, at a club. We chatted a little, shared phone numbers, and since then we often hung out together. Tyler obviously likes me but... It doesn't mean I like him back, but when he told me to stop my addictions, I agreed. I decided that James isn't worth me turning like this. I want to be the same old Katie you knew, the same old innocent smart Katie everyone knew."

"What about James? You still let him kiss you after you uh... repent?"

Katie chuckled at Logan's choice of word. "I haven't even visited Minnesota since I got into drugs, which has been five months. Please, Logan, no one's going to know this. I've been trying to change now and Emily said I can succeed this. Next time I come home, I will never ever let James have his way with me again. I've had enough. And now I know you're alive." Suddenly she gasped. "I told you everything! You... you're not going to stop loving him, are you? He's...he's just lost. He still loves you, eventhough he kisses me, his heart is always with you!"

Logan didn't answer as soon, making Katie nervous. What if she made a big mistake? What if by telling Logan the truth, he came to hate James? Katie didn't want any of them to be hurt more than they had already been. Especially James.

"It won't be as easy as it sounds, Katie. He thinks I'm dead. What do you think would happen if I suddenly showed up? It's not a fairy tale where he'd say, 'Oh Logan you're alive! You get your father's permission? Yay! We finally can be together forever!' and forget everything ever happened."

"You're still as pessimistic as I remember. Always so scared of everything."

It earned a small chuckle from the genius. He finally grabbed a hold of his smoothie. It didn't taste as sweet as normally because the ice had melted for being left too long. "I'm trying to be logical here."

"By the way, you _really_ get your father's permission?"

"Kind of. He said I could marry James if he was the one coming to get me, not the other way. But how would that happen if he didn't even know I still lived in the same world?"

"You do know that I'm going to tell everyone, don't you?"

"I'd suggest you think twice. Think what it will cause. If you want to, tell them. I'll just see if they want to meet me, if _he_ wants to meet me. Don't tell me if he doesn't, it'll be painful." Katie nodded, letting herself to think about it again. Suddenly Logan remembered about Mr. And Mrs. Diamond. He wondered how they would react to this. After getting their permission that day, Logan had never known how they were doing after. "Oh, have you ever met James's parents? How are they?"

"The last time I saw them was when Kendall and I drove him back to his house. It was after we saw you lying there lifelessly. We were worried James couldn't concentrate on driving, so we sent him home. As Kendall told Mrs. Diamond what happened to you, she cried. She really liked you like her son, Logan, I could tell. Perhaps James had told them that you're already, uh..."

"Dead." Logan offered the word now. As painful as it felt, it was the truth. Everyone thought he was dead. It was his own fault after all, that everyday he went to university for hours then came back to his house, never going out at all for six years. He wondered why they had never bothered to check on his house, asking his father about Logan's death, the funeral, and all the other things. Were they that sad to remember that a dead man would have a funeral and as his closest friends they should all come?

"Kay... dead. I don't know. James rarely slept on his house actually. He went to ours more often. Like I said, I was bored seeing a depressing view of James and Kendall slumped on the couch together, one telling how he missed Jo, the other _showing_ how he missed you."

A comfortable silence passed between them, each drinking their own cups. "You think I should come out?"

"Yes for now. But you told me to think again and I agreed. We don't know if it will turn everything alright or just make it worse."

Logan nodded a few times. A gentle smile displayed on his lips as he stood up, taking Katie's arm. "Okay, talk's done. I've got everything I know. Let's go back to Emily's."

"Wait. Actually, why are you there? I knew you wanted to be a doctor, but psychology? That's so not you. I thought you'd go for surgery stuffs?"

As they were heading to the elevators, Logan explained his three days training and told her how he's going back to where he's been disappearing all these years. Katie decided to use the time left, before Logan graduated and applied for a job here in L.A., to think if she should tell the others that the foursome had never turned down to trio.

-End of Chapter 6-


	7. Chapter 7

**Title:** Permission Ch 7

**Main characters:** Kendall Knight, James Diamond

**Side characters:** Katie, Logan, Jo, Carlos, Blonde Jennifer (Some are only mentioned)

**Warning:** Slash Jagan

Summary: The present, told in Kendall's point of view.

A/N: More drama going on. Sorry.

Replies for Anons' reviews in Ch 6:

Anon 1: _Yay! I was right! And your a fantastic writer,this story is amazing. Darn every time there's a new chapter,I cannot wait for another! As always update asap!_

Fanmin: *showers you with cookies for correct answer* Haha, thank you very much for the praise! You're fantastic reader then :D Your review makes me really happy! I'm sorry I can't update fast, often lack of time and mood, but here's the new chapter. Thanks to you for reading and reviewing!

Anon 2: _I reread this chapter about five times,i just love it sooooo much. To think when I read the summary i thought I wouldn't even like it,but now well I AM IN LOVE! You really need to update soon or I will go nuts...please?_

Fanmin: Seriously? Five times? O.O I feel so...flattered. Oh my.. *fly high* And I love your review sooooo much! Makes me very happy! Hehe, I think I'm not so good in summary, I just put the main idea there and...yeah. Sorry for taking long to update but here's the new chapter, so don't go nuts, okay? xD Thank you for reading, loving, and reviewing!

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><p>I knew Mom cared about me, but it was getting annoying. So what if I was twenty six? I would marry someday, for sure... I just hadn't found the right one. Turned out Jo wasn't. I just needed to find more girls. It shouldn't be that hard. Okay, I wasn't James who could get any girls falling just by walking in front of them, but I was not bad either. I knew I had certain charm and quality girls couldn't ignore. Perhaps my confidence was bashed when Jo returned with that Troy guy, but hey, I had moved on. Finally, though I didn't think it was possible years ago.<p>

Well, I would begin my hunting now. Today I decided to sneak on my hockey practice to go to the cafe. Say, if a girl saw a famous good looking guy sitting alone at a table for two, who wouldn't approach immediately? My prediction was correct. It didn't take more than ten minutes for a brown haired lady asking if the other seat was taken.

As she sat there, we began chatting. At first, it was quite fun. She knew a bit about hockey although she was never really into the game. Better than Jo at least, since she hated hockey. She was also close to music, for she was working in a music industry. She told me how she adored Big Time Rush's music, and that made me very happy although BTR was done.

Big Time Rush...

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><p>When we first got into the band, I was not that excited. Only James was, because it was his dream. How ironic, cause when I finally got my own dream fulfilled, I missed BTR. Even Carlos too, I could tell. He liked girls, and now he married a very beautiful girl who had given him a son, but he missed BTR. And James... Probably not quite. It wasn't being in BTR and singing on the stage he missed, but Logan.<p>

If I called BTR was done, it wasn't because the contract was ended. It wasn't because we parted ways either, that James and Logan decided to get married, I decided to become a professional hockey player, and Carlos chose to stay in L.A. To me, all four of us were always in a band, named Big Time Rush. Even if we wouldn't go to Rocque Records anymore, even if we lived in different cities, BTR was alive. However, BTR was done when Logan suddenly disappeared.

Six years ago, James called me to tell how Logan's father didn't give them permission and how they were going to part for unknown time. Immediately I called Logan afterwards. His voice contained just as much misery as James's did. I never knew it would be the last time I heard his voice. A week later James called me again now to tell how Logan never answered his calls. He never appeared on Internet either. We then decided to wait up in front of Logan's house very early in the morning. James insisted that we had to wait until Logan showed up, mo matter how long it took. He just needed to make sure his Logan was okay. Unfortunately, Logan didn't. Five hours waiting in the morning resulted nothing. James alone did the same on the next day, even followed by another four hours in the afternoon. He told me that only Logan's mother and housemaid walked out the door.

But James believed that Logan would contact him somehow only after he got his father's permission. I really admired how James could be so hopeful, how love could turn someone as impatient and egoistical as James to be that strong. Oh, sure, something changed. Something changed in the way he smiled. It wasn't as sincere as before, even Katie noticed it. I didn't expect that my own love life would turn as sour. It was kind of funny how James and I suddenly got close just because we both felt heart broken in the same time. Wait, the same time? No. James had been suffering since two years earlier!

So I did what people did when they were broken hearted, busying myself with job. I really made to be one of the main players of the national team. It was really a pride, I would be lying if I said I was miserable all the time. Cause, at day I truly smiled, though at night I truly cried. That was my life, seriously. Surprisingly James said, everyday he smiled, every night he smiled, but none was truly from his heart because even himself couldn't distinguish the difference between acting and not.

It was on the fourth year Logan was missing when James stopped smiling at all. When Jennifer was about to give birth, when he saw Logan lying on hospital bed like the dead, when Logan's gone again, when James told us Logan had died.

I cried so hard that night. Logan died? I still refused to believe it when the others had accepted the fact. Well, how could I? Before Logan and James fell for each other, I was the closest to Logan, and so he was to me. It was me who first met him and joined him to our gang. It was him who helped me with my studies before Carlos and James sabotaged him too. That was why I felt a bit missing when he said he thought he was in love with James, not jealous, just a bit lonely, because I was afraid I would lose him as my bestest friend. He hadn't, but he finally did it forever.

A life without one of my best friends was never easy to imagine, moreover to actually live. James quitted acting, now he helped a little with his mother's work, simply because he smiled no more. I got myself distracted with my sport career since I played for international. I hadn't realized the time going, and when I checked out how everyone's doing, everything's changed. My eighteen-year-old baby sister was now living in L.A. as a model of some clothes' brand only the old James memorised the name. And when she came home, James was kissing her with her letting him, showing me how it was not the first time. As if got struck by lightning, suddenly I came to realize how awfully oblivious I was towards my own family.

My contract with the team had a year and half left. By the time I finished it all, I had promised myself to return being the normal Kendall Knight. The Kendall who cared for his friends and family, the Kendall who had positive mind and moved on after breaking up with his girl, the Kendall Logan remembered as.

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><p>"Kendall? Are you alright? You look out of it..."<p>

I was snapped out of my day dream by this girl sitting before me. Oh my God I totally forgot her. What's her name again?

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><p>Cafe dates didn't give the result I expected, so I decided to try hanging out in the mall. If I was lucky, I'd get a decent girl to flirt with. Or a flirty decent girl who's willing to make the first move. Because if I failed, I'd try club tonight and it would be close to impossible to get a decent girl there.<p>

I was driving out of the cafe's parking yard when I saw a commotion on the street nearby. It looked like an accident just happened. Being caring and occasionally free I was, I stopped and passed the people to offer the victim a lift to the hospital.

Never had I expected to see bloody James squirming helplessly on the road, one hand clutching on his stomach and the other on his head, which I guessed were the blood sources. "Oh my God, James! Somebody help me bring him to my car! This is my friend!"

The people around helped me to lift James and lied him on my back seat. In instant I turned the car to reverse direction and drove at crazy speed. I didn't care I wasn't that great yet in driving, my buddy here was dying! I was not going to lose another big part of my life!

A weak groan came from back seat, giving me hope. "Kendall? Why... you here?"

"I can ask you the same thing. Stay awake, James, you _must not _die!"

"Why? Isn't it great? I miss Logan."

That really stung. James _wanted_ to die so he could meet Logan. "Don't tell me you're trying to commit suicide there, James." My voice shook, and I felt tears threatened to fall.

"No... If I want to... I would have... two years ago."

"So how come you get yourself hit that bad?" I tried to get James to talk as much as possible. Cause if he stopped, I was afraid James would fall asleep and never woke up again.

"I was going to go to that coffee shop, it's office break... and suddenly, you know... I feel pain everywhere, Kendall... Next thing I know, I'm here, you're there..."

"You're gonna be okay. We're at the hospital now," I cut him as the car entered the hospital's parking area. "You must not die, James, please."

"I guess so... I don't feel like dying today."

I couldn't bring myself to laugh along such a dry joke. We stopped just in front of the emergency room and the nurses immediately placed the bleeding boy on the cart. They soon disappeared to the room, leaving me alone to wallow down in panic.

After breathing in and out, getting calmed down enough, I flipped my cell phone, pushing the numbers I knew by heart. "Hello, Katie? Please, tell Mom and Carlos. James has just got hit and now he's in emergency room. Minnesota General Hospital. Tell Carlos to come here if he wants James to keep wanting to live! ...okay. Love you, Baby Sister."

Katie was almost twenty, but it didn't stop me from calling her 'baby' cause forever, she was my baby sister. Again, time had gone so fast and I failed to notice. We weren't kids anymore though we still acted like ones.

I sighed. I guessed my girl hunting needed to wait until sometime next week.

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><p>James was indeed okay. Few cuts and scratches but nothing was serious. The worst part was probably his head being shaved for minor surgery on his broken scalp, which actually ever happened back then when Jenny Tinkler gave him paper cut during high school. The difference was that back then James was freaking out, this time he didn't care. James had lost care about his looks since years ago.<p>

He'd soon be able to leave the hospital. As I got back from paying the bill, I heard some whisperings came from the right corridor. It sounded like Katie! The talk seemed serious. I knew I had to leave but curiosity got the best of me and I leaned to eavesdrop. I just wanted to know whom she was talking to and what was it to be talked so secretly like that.

"I've thought of it, and this recent incident just proved it. You need to come out."

What is 'it'? What is 'this recent incident'? Did she mean James's accident? And who should come out, what kind of come out they were referring to here?

"Stop being pessimistic and show up! It'll only bring good for everyone!"

Pessimistic? Ah, that reminded me of Logan. The Logan who was always scared of everything and thought everything wouldn't work out.

"Oh my God James is not going to die of heart attack just because he finally knows the truth! Are you sure you're a doctor? You're being very illogical here!"

Doctor? I raised an eyebrow. No, no, no... I pushed a crazy assumption that suddenly came to my mind. There's just now way!

"He still loves you for God's sake! I've told you those kisses meant nothing to him. It's not me whom he needs. It's you!" My heart stopped. Katie was near tears as she spun around. And ah, she noticed my presence. Horror flashed on her big eyes. "You know I can't lie to Kendall, right... Logan? He's behind me all the time."

I stomped towards her and snatched the phone away. "Logan?"

A heavy sighed was heard from across there. "Kendall. How're you?" What a pathetic casual question, but I less cared. My knees felt weak and suddenly I was on the floor kneeling with tears. It couldn't be him. Logan was dead. What was with this cruel joke? But this voice belonged to him, though rougher now.

"How?" I only managed a word out.

"I'll show up, okay? Wait for my explanation...or ask Katie instead. She knows everything. Bye for now, Kendall, and look after James. I... I still care. Just... letting you know it. Night, Kendall."

The call was hung up. Katie moved to hug me till we stood up on legs. "Logan's alive, Big Brother."

I wondered how much tears one could produce in an hour, cause mine hadn't stopped since I heard his voice until I got home and tucked on the bed. Oh my God. Logan's alive! Logan was really _alive_!

-End of Chapter 7-

A/N: Chapter 8 will come sometime this week. Hopefully.


	8. Chapter 8

**Title:** Permission Ch 8

**Main characters:** Logan, James, Katie, Kendall

**Side characters:** Hortence, Blonde Jennifer, Joanna, Tyler (Some are only mentioned)

**Warning:** Slash Jagan

Summary: (Nothing to be summarized. It's a pretty short chapter after all)

A/N: I've wanted to use this writing style for a while. Hope it's not confusing.

Replies for the Anonymous review in Ch 7:

Anon: _God I never ever loved a story as much as this one. Poor Jamie. Yay! Kendall knows Logies alive! Wow my emotions are very bipolar reading this... And I'll try to be a lot more patient..he he bye now!_

Fanmin: Aww, you make me blush, Dear! Right, I feel very bad keep hurting Jamie, but the faster I update the faster he heals so here's Ch 8 :) Thank you for reading and reviewing!

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><p>"How's your training, Hortence?"<p>

"Great, Dad! I had so much fun helping all the doctors with diagnostic. I need to thank my professor big time. It's truly a worthy experience!"

"Daddy knows you're able to make it, you always make me proud!"

"I'm thinking of applying for a job there, Dad, after I graduate. You let me go?"

"Sure. It's because you find James there, isn't it? You're going to marry?"

"...no. James is here in Minnesota."

"Really? How do you know?"

"I met Katie, Kendall's little sister..."

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><p>"Hey, Buddy, how're you feeling?"<p>

"Great..."

"You don't sound great, as always..."

"You know why, don't you Carlos."

"Look who I brought."

"It's not Logan, is it..."

"It's me, James...and Ronald..."

"Sorry, Jennifer."

"It's fine. So, uh, how are you?"

"Could be better."

"James, we came all the way from L.A., sure you at least should look at me while we talk?"

"Right..."

"Better. So do you need anything? Other than Logan, of course."

"...Katie. Is she here?"

"I'll call her. Maybe Kendall met her when he paid for your hospital fee."

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><p>"So that was Logan?"<p>

"You heard him. I even saw him."

"How?"

"How what? How I met him? How he was alive? How he never died, it was just our assumption? We never saw him dead, remember? We never went to his burial! We never even knocked at his door and asked Mr. Mitchell where Logan was. I felt really bad assuming one dead just because he lied in comma one day and gone weeks later. Why didn't we think perhaps Logan was being moved to different hospital?"

"...what?"

"Yes! I met him in L.A. just a week ago, he told me everything. He was dying yes but he was cured. He was studying to be a doctor like he always dreamed, in his university, his father never let him see us, not until that accident. I had wanted to tell you immediately, but Logan said maybe it wasn't right to tell everyone the truth. It would need time. I need to know if bringing Logan 'back to life' will bring good things. Especially to James. What if he felt guilty for kissing me around while his Logan had been alive and faithful all this time? Things like than can happen and I dislike it."

"Still, we all want Logan back in our lives! Why didn't he think of Carlos and me?"

"You know James is the most important for him, although he treasures you two too."

"So what now? James got an accident and you made up your mind? You don't need to think of the consequences anymore? Why does an accident have to happen to change one's mind?"

"I decided that I've had it enough. It's time for James to know the truth. It's time to stop living like a zombie, time to stop―"

"Katie! There you are. James is looking for you. Kendall? Why are you here? Have you done paying for the fee?"

"―seeking me because he needs care and attention Logan could no longer give."

"Huh?"

"Nothing. Later, Carlos."

"What is it? Kendall?"

"We'll talk later, Buddy. And yes, I've paid it. Come on, let's go back to James and the others. I haven't greeted your wife properly."

"Greet her properly? You really think you need to? It's Jennifer!"

"Right, right. I just haven't got used to the nicer version of her. Haha, come on!"

* * *

><p>"Whom did you talk to, Honey? A Friend?"<p>

"Mom..."

"You're slightly pale. I'll get you a drink then you can talk to me, okay?"

"No. Let's just find Dad so I can tell you both. Katie just phoned me. It's about James..."

* * *

><p>"James, let's stop it. Stop kissing me. Because I'm not the one you love."<p>

"..."

"I fell for Tyler. I met him in L.A. and he has become gorgeous. He truly cares for me."

"What? I care for you."

"Used to. But now you seek Logan in me. I hate it."

"You're far different from him."

"Of course. But you kiss me like you would kiss him."

"..."

"Let me ask you one thing. If Logan suddenly came back to life, would you still kiss me? The answer is no."

"The answer is no. Because Logan would _never_ come back to life in the first place so don't condition it and make me hope for the impossible."

"Imagine Logan was a ghost, an invisible ghost, who walked around us everyday. Don't you think he'll be sad to hear you just now?"

"Again, it wouldn't happen. Logan was very kind of a person, too kind even, and he would go straight to heaven when he died."

"Gosh, what should I do to make you admit you love Logan and you don't have feelings for me and you badly want him back in your life?"

"...why would it matter?"

"Nothing. Just so you know you have a reason why you should stop kissing me."

"...alright. Even you push me away from your life."

"I didn't say that."

"You know you're practically one of the reasons why I haven't killed myself."

"Don't say that!"

"If I committed suicide... Carlos obviously doesn't need me. He will cry but he has a family to live for. Kendall will cry, but soon he will find a girl to love and forget me. I need someone who will cry over my death like I do over Logan's. I know I'm psychotic here, but it's practically why I kiss you in the first place."

"I... I really...I can't believe you. You kiss me to hurt me? To make me feel your pain?"

"But I care for you, Katie. I no longer want to die. And I no longer want you to feel my pain. Really."

"But seriously. Answer my questions. If Logan appeared in front of you now, you'd dump me right away and came back for him, right?"

"Why are you so happy about it? Aren't you supposed to be sad because I'm going to say yes?"

"No. Told you, I kind of fell for Tyler. So it's a deal, earlier was the last kiss we shared."

"But Logan's not coming back to live. Are you telling me that I should just go kill myself now because I don't have you anymore?"

"NO! Don't kill yourself! If you do, I will feel the pain just as much, really really!"

"I don't understand..."

"Don't need to now. But, hey, actually I'm happy. This is the longest conversation we've ever that since _then_."

"Right..."

"And you smile. Best day of my life!"

"Thanks, Katie, for putting up with me."

"You're welcome."

"One more last kiss, please? You've really become beautiful."

"Hh, okay. One last kiss, because this time, you do want to kiss _me_. Not Logan."

"Deal."

* * *

><p>"So James is dying?"<p>

"Not as horrible as I had ever been, but Katie said he might lose his will to live. Maybe...I need to be there after all."

"Hortence, we know you know what's best for you and for everyone. If you think that's for the best, just go, and show up. We want you to be happy. I'm really really sorry for what I've done..."

"Don't be, Dad. If it weren't for you, I might not even study and become a doctor at all."

"But I tore your happiness away..."

"Hey Dad I am happy. Can be happier, but I'm happy now. If James and I got married that day, I would be happy too, but I lost you and my childhood dream. Every choice had its consequences, okay? Now I'm going to show up... I'll just wait until Katie told me to."

"You've matured a lot... Seems like just yesterday I gave birth of you..."

"Haha, I'm twenty six now, Mom."

"I know. But forever, you're my baby boy, Logan."

"His name is _Hortence_, Joanna."

"Right, right, Hortence."

"Hahaha, stop it you two. I could care less about my name now!"

* * *

><p>"You recorded it? Oh my God, Katie, you're really... something."<p>

"You know it's difficult! I almost gave up halfway and I was so close to turn it off. James was really stubborn."

"So you kiss him again."

"One last kiss, Logan, I swear! You heard him clearly, he'd dump me right away if you appeared in front of him!"

"Kidding. I'm not mad at all. I'm grateful instead, very very grateful. And sorry. You had to lie that you fell for Tyler. You help me eventhough you yourself love James."

"The first part is half true. I'm not sure if I have fallen for him but I want to. Tyler's really great. I want to love him and I think it's a matter of time. But the second part is wrong. My feelings for him aren't the same with yours. What you felt is clearly love. But mine... James is always a big brother to me. All this time, I only feel needed. Because if I'm there for him, he can smile at the very least, though sometimes fake. Now I'm helping you, because I want James to completely smile again, sincerely from his heart. Because the only person he should kiss is you, never me."

"Thank you, Katie. Really, I thank you very much.

"You're welcome. So, we go to the hospital now?"

"Now?"

"When else? You want to wait until James kills himself?"

"Of course not! But shouldn't we explain few things to him first? It'll be very shocking to suddenly see me coming there. I mean, what if James thought I was a ghost and threw a knife at me?"

"Hey, James loves you! Why would he throw a knife to _your_ ghost?"

"Surprised people can do anything."

"Maybe you should be a psychiatrist after all."

"Seriously, Katie. Explain to him first and see if he can handle that."

"Fine. But you still come there and wait outside the room. You can talk to Carlos and Jennifer while Kendall and I talk to James."

"Okay."

-End of Chapter 8-

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><p>AN: It's supposed to have another scene, but apparently it's _hard_ to write quotes only like this. I gave up and decided to cut it here and put the rest into Ch 9, my bad. And thank you for anyone who's been reading up till here! Reviews are always highly appreciated!


	9. Chapter 9

**Title:** Permission Ch 9

**Main characters:**Logan Mitchell, Carlos Garcia, Blonde Jennifer

**Side characters:** Katie, Kendall, James, the other two Jennifers (Some are only mentioned)

**Warning:** Slash Jagan

Summary: Reunion with Carlos, and Jennifer.

A/N: Woow, this 'Permission' fic is legitimately the longest story I've ever written! It surprised me because I'm still kinda new to Jagan, and this is only the first Jagan fic I wrote, yet it has beaten my longest Kyumin fic in length, hahaha! I'm soooo in love with BTR right now *excited* :)

Replies for those reviews on which I couldn't click Reply button:

Anon: _Another awesome chapter as usual. They are getting very close meeting again!  
><em>Fanmin: Thanks! Haha, then they're getting even closer here! xD Thank you for reading and reviewing~!

AureaSE: _I LOVE THIS STORY! I don't know as I have not seen it before. I want that James know that Logan is alive! Update soon please :)_  
>Fanmin: James is going to know, I promise :) Here's the update, sorry can't be sooner cause I write very very slowly Dx Thank you for reading, loving, and reviewing!<p>

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><p>Kendall had explained everything to Carlos and Jennifer before Logan and Katie arrived, so the reunion was smooth and simple: Carlos had gone rushing at Logan as soon as his eyes scanned him in the corridor, almost knocking the taller down. "Oh, wow. Carlos... Long time no see you."<p>

"Very long time, Logan. I miss you!"

"I see that you're still as childish as ever, although you've become a daddy now."

"And I see that you're still as geeky as ever, Mr. Doctor!"

"Not graduated yet. Not yet a doctor."

"Like I care!"

Kendall, after a moment of gaping and his eyes dilating in disbelief, came to join them too. "Logan... God, Logan I miss you so much!"

"Hey there, Buddy. Miss you too here."

Katie was close to tears seeing Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were engulfed in big group hug. They missed one James though, but if things went great, the quartet would be alive again. BTR would continue to live.

"So James is..."

"...asleep. We will tell him as soon as he's awake," Katie answered. "You have time, don't you Logan? Stay until tonight?"

"Yep. Can I... see him through that glass, at least?" Logan pointed at the square glass on the door.

"Duh, you really need to ask?"

Logan took a deep breath before he peeked in. Finally, after so long, he got to see the man he always loved again.

However, what he saw made him frown. James was a lot skinnier than he remembered. His defined abs weren't showing like they used to. His face was pale. James used to look peaceful in his sleep, with his lips often forming a smile while he slept soundly. But now he slept like he hadn't woken up for years. And his hair! His perfect sandy coloured hair was gone. Logan's heart constricted painfully. Katie was right, this James was far different from whom Logan last knew. This was only about look. How about the other? James used to be a cheerful lively boy. Logan wasn't prepared to see him as lifeless as Katie had described.

"You don't like what you see, do you?" Logan looked away from James to see Katie was already standing next to her. "But that is James now. You're not going to tell me that you stop loving James now you know what he looks like, right?"

"Of course not. I can't stop loving him. I can't even try to. No matter how he looked, no matter what he did."

"Logan...?"

"Yes, Katie?"

Katie's eyes pleaded to him, more intense than her words did, "You're going to be a doctor. So, please, heal James. He's sick, and you can fix him. Alright?"

Logan understood what kind of 'sick' she was referring to, therefore he couldn't promise anything. Despite what James said on the recorder, Logan wasn't so sure the broken boy would accept him again in his life that easily. Or to love him again like he used to. Heck, Logan wasn't even sure James would let himself believe Logan had been alive all this time.

At these times, Logan wished he had Kendall's optimism.

"Alright." He didn't know why he gave her that answer when in truth he still questioned himself. But then seeing the chaste smile growing on the girl's lips, Logan knew he had no choice. He had to believe that he was indeed James's cure, and everything would turn alright. Every wrong thing would be fixed. Every misunderstanding would be straightened. And every broken heart would be healed.

* * *

><p>Katie and Kendall went inside the room, waiting until James woke up. So Logan, Carlos, and Jennifer who was holding sleeping Ronald decided to chitchat a little outside.<p>

"So, how did you end up together, exactly?" The question had been in Logan's mind ever since Katie told him the story. He was curious. Because, the last Logan knew, the three Jennifers still treated Carlos like he was a hopeless admirer, no matter how famous BTR had been. Especially the blonde one. Wasn't she the most heartless one out of the three?

"Is it that weird, Logie?" Carlos giggled. His arm wrapped his wife's shoulders lovingly. "Katie might have told you, I got a job as a TV Show producer. The three Jennifers were in the show too. I somehow made friends easily with the curly haired and brunette Jennifers, but like cat and dog with her."

Logan smiled seeing the obvious love shares between them two. He felt a little envy inside, but it was minor compared to happiness knowing his best friend was happy. "So you fell in love because you hated each other too much?"

"He never hates me. I did him. But it was one night, we were having a celebration, we got drunk, Carlos kissed me, and I kissed him back, and alcohol got me realized it was no longer hatred what I felt toward him," Jennifer spoke too.

"Yep. I thought it was only one time I got to kiss a Jennifer. But she began this jealousy every time I talked closely to girls other than her. Eventhough we hadn't exactly dated."

"I thought you thought that too. That's why I was broken hearted, actually."

"She started to avoid me. That's when I realized I disliked it very much. I could stand it if the other Jennifers stopped talking to me, but her... I missed the way she shoved me away when I flirted with her. It's better than being ignored. I realized I didn't only like her because she was a pretty and famous Jennifer. I loved her the way she was."

"Actually, I wasn't ignoring him. I didn't give up easily, because I never wanted to be dumped. James dumped me one time though, but that's not real. I just wanted Carlos to fall with me so I tried to change. I tried to be nicer. I stopped insulting people like I had always done. And I stopped putting up a fight with Carlos."

"Jennifer's change to be a better person made me fall even deeper for her. So one time I confessed to her, for real this time, not just for a dance or anything like I used to ask her for. And only her, not to the three consecutively."

"I said yes."

"And our happiness lasted until today. Hopefully will continue till forever." Carlos's smile grew even wider. "You know what, Logan? You are going to be happy. Maybe six years of pain swooped in the middle of your happiness, but it will come together. Someday you will work it again. Today, James is going to know everything and you'll be back in each other's arms again. Isn't this great? This is your someday!"

Logan grinned, remembering clearly the lyric of one of his favourite BTR songs. "I thought you're the one who's not changing. The way you ran and hugged me earlier, I thought you were as childish and destructive as ever. Guess you've matured, in a very good way."

"It's thanks to you too."

"Why me?"

"If only you knew, Logan, dating Carlos gave me headache everyday. He was too childish, too silly, too active, too irresponsible," Jennifer spoke again, adding the points. "I put up with him because I loved him. Even after we got married. Sadly, my stress went straight to Ronald..."

"Our Ronald was born prematurely. I was at work when James called me in the hospital, telling she was bleeding and she needed surgery. My happy world crashed at that moment. I was so afraid. I thought God was punishing me when James also came to tell how bad your condition was. I prayed to God so hard, pleaded Him not to take my baby, my wife, and my best friend away. I would go crazy if I lost my favourite persons in the world," Carlos's eyes softened as he remembered that moment. "I lost you. I thought I lost you. I was supposed to be your best friend but actually when was the last time we met? The last time we talked? It was when you, James, and Kendall were going back to Minnesota, when I bid you three goodbyes. James was the last one who saw you. Kendall was the last one who heard your voice in phone call. But me? I only heard their stories about what happened between you and your parents. Logan, I regretted not caring as much as I'm supposed to do. I decided to be a better person. I started to take care of my family more. I lessened my playfulness. Now I knew when to be serious and when to be comical. So, thanks to you."

Logan blushed slightly, feeling weird to be thanked for. "You realize you're thanking me because I had an accident and 'died'?" He made the quotation mark gestures on the last word.

Carlos laughed. "Accidents do bring few good outcomes, Dude. Your father gave you permission to marry James. I became wiser."

"But more bad outcomes. It inflicted pain on everyone, mostly James...and Katie. I hope you're right, Carlos. I hope someday James can be cured and this is our someday."

Jennifer nodded in agreement. Carlos had his other hand patted Logan's shoulder. "Good luck, Bro."

"Thanks. Thank you too, Jennifer. It's great talking to you when you're nice and not arrogant like I remembered you as. You look even more beautiful with a smile."

She smiled even wider. "You're welcome, Logan."

"Oh, can I hold Ronald? I haven't really met him." Logan requested when he saw the kid actually had woken up and was looking at him curiously.

"Of course!" Jennifer kissed her son's cheek and softly said, "Ronald, meet Uncle Logan." Then she brought him to Logan's waiting arms.

"Come here, Handsome." Logan gently lifted the baby boy and observed his every feature. "Dark skin, dark hair, black eyes... I know theoretically why but I'm kind of disappointed. He's like a mini you, Carlos. What if he's destructive too?"

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean? And what's about you _theoretically_ know why?" Carlos demanded, laughingly.

"I'm a doctor-to-be, I learn stuffs like dominant genes, you know? Mendel Law." Logan giggled as Carlos made a puking face at the mentions of Biology. He ignored him and stroked the kid's hair. "Don't be like your father, Ronald. Be a nice good smart boy and make me proud as your uncle."

"Logan. He's _my _son, if you have forgotten?"

"Hey, don't be mean! You know I _can't_ have a son."

"Oh you can! I'm sure James won't mind if you adopt one." Carlos stood up and pulled Ronald out of Logan's hold, but surprisingly, the kid didn't budge. Ronald chose to attach to Logan, whom he met just today! Even Logan was surprised.

"Ronald? Your Daddy is here!"

Still, the baby didn't move. It made Logan happy of course that Ronald liked him. "Does he attach to Kendall too, Jennifer?"

"Nope. He rarely meets Kendall though, since we live in L.A. while the others are here. Oh, Ronald cries in Katie's arms. I don't know why."

The genius made a thinking face, before jokingly made a hypothesis, "I guess this baby knows who won't accidentally drop him. I mean, Katie never really likes children. Kendall kind of hates children, traumatic since we worked as babysitters years ago. And Carlos is careless. On the other hand I know how to hold kids safely. Really, he's going to be a smart boy, Carlos! Don't waste his brightness!"

"Your words are annoying, Logie, but as a father I'm happy you praising _my_ son. Then again, _I _am his father so now return him back to his _actual_ parents. I'm serious that you should adopt a baby after you and James get married."

Logan half heartedly returned Ronald to Jennifer, the boy not resisting anymore. "Maybe we will."

"Awesome! They can be buddies. Hope Kendall finds her woman soon and makes a child too, so the three of them can make a new generation of BTR."

The three of them chuckled at the idea Carlos randomly threw. It wasn't bad at all. Logan smiled at the imagination. Sure, bright future waited ahead, if only what mattered the most right now could work as they wished for. James...

* * *

><p>"I can't wait anymore. Let's just wake him up and throw the truth. The faster he recovers, the better."<p>

Katie glared at his big brother. "Aren't you supposed to be his _best_ friend? Honestly, you have changed so much. You used to be more caring! This is one of the reasons why I came to hate Jo so much. She took away my best big brother ever."

Kendall flinched at the words. He knew that was the truth, but to hear it from one of the most precious persons in his life directly like that literally hurt. "I know. I'm a jerk now. I've realized that and I want to change."

"Good," she approved Kendall's motivation. Everything changed, and it terrified her, because those who made good changes were only Carlos and her wife. She didn't know about Logan though. But she, Kendall, and James had turned bad. It was really good that the Knight siblings at least had had the motivation to return to the good way.

"Still, it's been... okay, it's only been twenty minutes. But this _despairs_ me big time."

"Me too. But James here is not in his best health, Big Brother. I'm not even sure everything works as smooth as our imagination. There's still a possibility that James refuses to...uh, reconcile? Cause this James isn't who you last knew. You've been too away to recognize how far James has changed."

"Stop being Logan-like, Baby Sister. You said it yourself, that James is ready to...sorry, to dump you right away if Logan comes back."

"Yeah but we were using second conditional, as it was impossible to happen. I don't know how he will react if it turns out to be a fact." Katie sighed. "And don't be sorry. It's the rightest thing. James has to dump me and come to whom he belongs with."

"... So, what if James reacted the way we wouldn't want him to?"

"I'd feel bad for Logan. He told me not to tell him if James refused to accept him back. But I did drag him here so... I don't know. It will break everyone's heart."

Kendall frowned. He certainly couldn't live with that, knowing that their best friends needed each other but even at the end couldn't end up together just because one had gone crazy enough to reject the other. "I'd just send James to mental hospital if he did that―"

"―Kendall!"

Katie almost never addressed the blonde with his name, moreover in yelling tone like that. Of course it took him by surprise. "Hey, I was joking about the mental hospital, can't you tell?"

Instead of answering, she froze, eyes widening and directed at... Kendall gulped. There on the bed, James was lying with his eyes opened. It was obvious that he hadn't _just_ woken up.

-End of Chapter 9-

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><p>AN: Sorry, my friends, Carlos and Jennifer's story has to bug in and yeah, the meeting will be in Ch 10. I promise it's going to be a very long chapter! Ten pages on my Ms. Word! xD


	10. Chapter 10

**Title:** Permission Ch 10

**Main characters: **James Diamond, Logan Mitchell

**Side characters:** (Everyone who has appeared and been mentioned)

**Warning:** Slash Jagan

Summary: The whole story in James's point of view.

A/N: Finally, a James's POV chapter! I love writing in his POV more, actually. Though maybe he got a little OOC, because this pretty boy's mind kinda confused me. So I just made him _really_ in love with Logan. Jagan rules! xD This chapter's quite long and it has a bit of repetition from previous chapters, hope this doesn't bore you :) That's what I like from this chapter actually, since I'm not so happy with how I write the scene when James finally got to know the truth. But well, here's Ch 10~!

Replies for those reviews on which I can't click 'Reply' button in Ch 9:

Anon: _Yay! They are meeting again! So did Jamie just hear the mental part or the whole convo? So update soon please?_

Fanmin: You'll know how much James heard the conversation here in this chapter :) Here's the update~! Hope you like it. And always, thank you for reading and reviewing.

MissMaslowHenderson: _OMG DUDE HE HAS BEEN AWAKE! HOLY SHIT IM GUNNA MAKE THIS REVIEW A LITTLE BIT OF LONG!_ _OMGOMGOMGOMG! DUUDDDEEEE I WONDER WHATS GUNNA HAPPEN I WAS SCREAMING SOOOO LOUD WHEN I READ THE LAST PARAGRAPH! °0° YOU DO NOT NOW HOW MUCH I LLLLOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEE THIS FIC ITS MY FAVS OUT THERE ACTUALLY THE NUMBER 1!_ _PLEASR UPDATE SOOON! ^0^ IM TELLING EVERYBODY TO READ THIS! ITS SOO GREAT IM CRYING!_

Fanmin: Wow, all caps! *excited* Here I thought you've stopped reading cause you stopped reviewing, guess not? I'm so HAPPY~! It's great that this fic is emotional enough to be able to earn scream and cry, hahaha! Mean me. I'm really really flattered now, _really_. Here's the update, and thank you for reading, reviewing, and llllooooooovvvvvviiiiing this xDD

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><p>Loving Logan was wonderful. I regretted not telling the person sooner, because if I did, I wouldn't have wasted my time with those meaningless girls, and I wouldn't have to feel hurt everytime Logan went out with Camille whom he didn't even love.<p>

When Logan nodded shyly at my confession, I thought my world was complete. I didn't have to worry about anything, no, cause Logan had indeed become my world, the centre of my every attention and care. Oh, I cared about my looks, of course, but Logan always came first.

Hugging him made me know that I stood on the right place. Kissing him was like a battery, recharging me with new energy to go through life. Butterflies would swirl in my stomach and fireworks would start in my brain when I was with him. Loving him was all in all perfect, except for the fact that we had to hide it from the world. We only let Palm Wood residents plus Gustavo and Kelly to know, because they weren't going to judge us.

* * *

><p>Unknowingly four years had passed since I got my dream fulfilled, four years since Big Time Rush debuted, three happy years since Logan and I were together. It saddened me when Gustavo told us that Griffin was going to disband us, for real this time. But despite our disappointment, we knew it was for the best. The years we spent here were precious, but everything had its stop. Sooner or later, we're going to disband. There would always be new younger talents, we understood that, so we accepted the decision and made our very last stage memorable to the fans.<p>

Carlos decided to stay in L.A. Some TV producer wanted him to work in their show and set long term contract with him. He hesitated, but Kendall, Logan, and I knew he wanted this big opportunity. Out of the three of us, I was the closest to Carlos. I exactly knew why he hesitated. Carlos didn't want to be the only one leaving the band. Cause no matter what, we were like invisibly _bonded_ in Big Time Rush.

Out of nowhere, I said, "Carlos, you're not the only one leaving the band. Guess what, I'm going to propose Logan so we can make a happy family."

Logan gasped at my spontaneous proposal. "R-really?"

"Yep. Unless I get rejected and―"

"―I'm leaving Big Time Rush to marry James. Sorry, Kendall."

Hearing his quick answer made my heart leapt to the highest sky. But I did feel bad to Kendall though. He was always the one who put us together as one band. Without him, we would have _gone_. The Hollywood fever, the reality show, everything could have split us up and made us hurting each other. But Kendall kept us as one band.

"No one is leaving the band. We are Big Time Rush. Eventhough Carlos is on some TV show, you two get married, and I apply for hockey scholarship in university, we are always Big Time Rush."

See? Kendall was always the one who led us together. By that we parted ways. Kendall, Logan, and I came back to Minnesota together.

* * *

><p>As we reached there, we parted ways. Kendall, Katie, and Mrs. Knight went back to their old house, while Logan and I headed straight into my house.<p>

"Your Mom approves our relationship, right, James?"

As if struck by lightning, I stopped the car immediately. Horror swooped in my vein as I remembered my dictator mother. What if she objected? The only 'no' she had heard perhaps was during that time when she almost forced me back to Minnesota. Could I get the bravery again this time?

"Jamie, it's okay. She loves you. If she thinks it's the best for you, she'll agree. Like when she agrees you're staying in BTR three years ago."

"Wow. You're optimistic! I guess I can't feel down right now."

"Good. Let's get her permission."

Unexpectedly, Logan became brave enough to face my mother. He proved how undying his love for me that my father also supported us. And my mother! Mom was being very unbelievable. She hugged Logan and told him that she was going to change his name again; from Hortence into Logan at that time, from Mitchell into Diamond this time. Logan Diamond! I couldn't wait to call him that.

"I really love you, Logie."

"I do too, Jamie. But you know, we should come again to apologize for leaving just like that. It's rude."

"Like I care? Mom understands that I'm too happy to care about courtesy. Kay, Logie, let's head to your house. So... your parents approve our relationship, right?"

I frowned as this time, Logan was the one who acted like just being struck by lightning. I began to worry. It must be his mother. Because, ever since kindergarten, I knew Logan was very close to his father. They even shared same name! Mr. Mitchell was always present in every competition Logan joined, or when the boy got injured during hockey game. I concluded that Mr. Mitchell loved his son very much, so he would support Logan's decision to marry me, right? I couldn't believe getting Mrs. Mitchell's permission would be a trouble. She looked pretty nice, and she often treated me for candies when I was still a kid.

Maybe Logan was just back being pessimistic. Maybe he thought it would be difficult when in fact his parents would just hug me and welcome me into their family. I soon forgot the worry. Everything was going to be okay.

It was until we neared his house Logan finally spoke, "James..."

"Yes, Logie Bear?"

"I'm afraid that getting my father's permission won't be as easy as your mother's."

Logan made me swore that I wouldn't hurt his father's feelings. By then I knew it was not that easy. If Mr. Mitchell was that type of protective father who loved his son too much to let him marry me, it was not going to be easy. It took me a lot to make decisions, moreover ones that could affect in my relationship with Logan, but then I said, "You know... I said earlier if my mother refused to accept us, I would never stop loving you and seeing you anytime I want. But I don't want you to do that for me."

It was for the best.

And what we feared most came true, Logan's father rejected me. I was close to tears. If it was because I was my look, or my behaviour, or the suddenness of this plan, I would step back and fix myself so he would finally accept me. But he rejected me because I was a guy. He wanted a daughter-in-law for Logan eventhough he knew Logan was gay! For a moment I doubted Mr. Mitchell actually cared for his son.

But then I saw it. It was me. Mr. Mitchell disliked me. If it was another guy, maybe he would reconsider. But the problem was me. I knew the cause. I took away his precious son. I turned Logan gay, though this wasn't exactly a fault on my side. I diverted Logan from his dream. I brought Logan away from him to L.A. It was quite logical for him to hate me.

_No, Logan, I wouldn't hurt your father's feelings anymore, I had promised_. I made the big decision. We broke up, until Logan managed to change his father's stubborn mind, because he was the only one who could. Time and love changed everything. I believed in it.

I told Kendall what happened and for the first time, I was showing my vulnerable side to him. I cried on the phone. Embarrassing, but I couldn't help it. Kendall was always a best friend to hang out and do fun stuffs with. He had cleverly crazy mind that worked well in planning. I never knew he could be a comforting friend. But he was. I hung out at his place more often. Katie and Mrs. Knight were nice too towards me, so I guess I was gonna be okay.

I delivered his things from my car's baggage and some that were left in 2J (which had become Carlos's own apartment) on the next two days. It was painful to see him sad, but there was no other way. I kissed him goodbye and walked away from his house, never expected that it would be the last time I looked straight into those adorable chocolate eyes.

Logan disappeared. With Kendall, I had tried to watch his house, gone waiting for him to come out of those closed doors. But he never did. His mother and maids did, showing that the Mitchells weren't moving or anything. It was only Logan who's suddenly _gone_. What did his father do? I worried. Hours of waiting resulted nothing, so dejectedly I went back to Knights' home.

A year later I started my acting career. I had always known I got the potential. My face was pretty much in. And acting recently didn't seem hard to do. I played in small movies not get be famous or rich, only to fill my free time and practise my acting. I needed to learn how to fake a smile. I needed to learn to conceal my emotions. Because my upset self would cause burden to Knights. I didn't need them everyday asking me if I was okay.

I could almost over Logan. By almost I meant I could finally have some hours of a day not thinking about where he might be. But I still held high my hope, my wish that Logan would one day call me, telling that Mr. Mitchell had let us married.

* * *

><p>Years went by, things happened, but I didn't really feel it because none of it mattered. Until every inch of my world crashed that day.<p>

Carlos and his pregnant wife visited us for holiday. I realized that the last time I really met them was when they got married. It had been what, almost three years! I wasn't being a good friend at all. Carlos understood my pain losing Logan, but it shouldn't be good a reason, right? I made it up by accompanying them around. Kendall was too busy with his sport life after all, because he wanted to get his mind off Jo. And Katie was busy studying for her final exam in her high school. When Jennifer suddenly fell bleeding on the floor, I was the one who drove her to hospital in panic. When the doctors told us how bad her condition was, I stayed with Carlos to cheer him up. Everyday we slept in the hospital, Carlos on the chair next to his wife's bed and I took the couch. Kendall and Katie in turn came to comfort him too.

One day when both Kendall and Katie were present, I excused myself to get some food in cafeteria downstairs. Been staying at hospital for a week, I decided I needed some fresh air. _Ah, wish Logan was here to accompany me..._ _Wait, was that Mr. Mitchell I just saw? On wheelchair?_

It was. I could never forget that normal-built old man who destroyed my happy dream with Logan four years ago. But wheelchair? What had happened? I gathered my courage to come to him asking how Logan was doing. It didn't matter if he still looked at me with hatred-filled eyes, as long as I got to know that Logan was okay, I would feel relieved.

He was heading to ICU. I suddenly got bad feeling.

Through glass, I saw the most heartbreaking view I had ever seen. There was Logan, lying motionlessly with cables and machines supporting his life. For a moment I couldn't move. Even after Mr. Mitchell went away, I didn't dare coming closer to get a better look of how awful my love's condition was. Because by far it didn't take a genius to notice that the man there was dying. Tears had wetted my face though I didn't realize when the first drop fell. God, I thought my heart was going to stop by the sight alone.

A nameless doctor came to me asking if I was okay. I didn't realize either that I was on the floor, breaking down. "Is that Logan Mitchell? What happened to him?" I asked the doctor instantly.

"He's registered as Hortence Mitchell, though I recognize him as Logan Mitchell from that band BTR. Aren't you James Diamond from the band too?"

"Yes, Hortence is his name. What happened to him?" My voice raised, uncaring of anything else, uncaring to answer those stupid questions. Why would this stupid doctor ask if he knew already?

"Accident. Pretty bad accident..."

Hearing his next explanation made me cry even harder. Moreover when the doctor kept telling how the other doctors were giving up and only a miracle could bring him back to his best condition again. He said without those machines, Logan was practically dead at that moment.

Breathing suddenly became the hardest thing to do. Logan... What did I do to feel this pain? Why wouldn't God just let me be happy with the one I love? My world was crashing down on me. To think I would never see his warm gaze, hear his adorable voice declaring his love, make him smile and laugh beside me, hug his perfect body and kiss him like he's the source of my energy, to think that my hope was crushed... I had lost my will to live. These four years of waiting were in vain. Regret started to mix up with the pain I was feeling. If only I took my chance to contact him asking how he was doing, if his father had reconsidered giving us permission, if he still loved me and I'm telling him how I always loved him... If... The word mocked me. I always hated the word when it was used for conditioning something impossible to happen. Useless. Futile. Had no point.

I was surprised that I _could_ walk back to where Carlos, Kendall, and Katie sat. Katie quickly approached me, noticing my tears. I knew I shouldn't tell them tight now, especially knowing Carlos's worry about Jennifer, but my mouth lost its control and there, the three broke down as well. I didn't cry anymore. Expressing my emotion was as useless. And I stopped acting. Smiling became something I _couldn't_ do anymore, even just pretending to. I refused doing anything that used to make me happy, because I felt I really didn't have the right to be happy. My love was dying, and I wouldn't _let_ myself be happy over good hairstyle and cosmetic products; over singing, over watching movies and hockey game... I meant, how horrible boyfriend I was being if enjoyed those things when Logan couldn't anymore?

Jennifer gave birth to a baby boy. I knew that, but I only congratulated her, half-heartedly even. Apparently, she understood. I really appreciated how Carlos and Jennifer seemed to be very tolerant with me. She even cried over the bad news on Logan's behalf. It was a week later when Kendall and Katie wanted to see Logan too. At the beginning, I refused, because seeing him so vulnerable like that killed me. But I knew I couldn't be selfish. The more people praying for Logan's safety, the bigger the hope, right? Kendall and Katie kept cheering me, assuring that the doctor was stupid and miracle did exist. So I brought them to that room, only to find the bed empty. The sheets were made, and the machines weren't working anymore.

"You sure it's Logan, James? And he was here?" Kendall questioned.

I didn't answer him. Part of me hoping that I was just hallucinating last week. There was no Mr. Mitchell in wheelchair, no stupid doctor, no Logan lying there. It was just a dream. A painful dream, side effects of being parted from Logan too long.

But then I heard that doctor's annoying voice asking his colleague, "Hey, where's that Mitchell patient?"

The other equally stupid doctor answered, "Oh, you mean Hortence? He got it very bad, every doctor gave up on him. So with his parents' permission we took those machines out and he was moved yesterday."

That hope in my chest was crushed again. Katie cried beside me, and Kendall got his eyes teary too. Logan... My boyfriend had gone forever. I lost my very soul. I lost my care to the world. Nothing even mattered to me anymore, literally.

Who was to blame? Mr. Mitchell, for not letting Logan and I got married that day? Logan, for loving his father too much and make me swear I wouldn't hurt his father's feeling anymore? God, for not letting me switch places with the dying Logan so he shouldn't have died but I instead? No. It's me to blame. There were so many things I should and shouldn't have done. Maybe things would be better if... See, I almost started my endless train of 'if's.

I decided to think no more. I lived like the dead. Everyday I wondered if it would be the day when God decided that my pain was unbearable so He took my life and _finally_ let me be with Logan forever.

Unexpectedly, Katie was there. The beautiful brown haired girl was always at my side. Kendall wasn't. He became busier with his career that he almost never came home. But her sister stayed. She was the one who made sure I ate, bathed, and _lived_. She would hold me at night when I let my tear dam flooded.

Suddenly, my lips were on hers.

It was not a love, not even close to what I always felt when I kissed Logan. There was no spark, no flutters in my stomach, no happiness. I didn't even understand, but I needed to keep her there. I needed her to take care of me always. I didn't want her to be mature and finally leave me alone too.

Part of me wanted someone, anyone, to grieve over me when I died. And Katie was there and I thought if I continued to kiss her, she could be that person. However, I cared for her, with every pieces of care I had left within me. Katie had always had soft spot in my heart, ever since I knew her, as if she was my baby sister too. But now I wasn't so sure. I couldn't be sure about anything anymore. The last thing I knew, I no longer had that motivation to hurt her. She didn't have to grieve for me. I decided not to die just yet. I stopped wishing to die everytime I went to sleep.

Time passed by just like day. Everyday I helped my mother with her cosmetic production, since I really had nothing to do after quitting acting. My mother knew the reason why I became so depressed, but she wouldn't bring out subjects that she knew would remind me of my pain. I loved her for being caring. And at night I often slept in Knights' home. Mrs. Knight didn't mind, though she often gave me annoying speech to move on or something like that. I hoped she knew how I _could never_ move on. Logan had always been an important part of my life since I learned how to spell my name! And been my world since I learned how to love. It wasn't 'not easy' to move on, it was just 'impossible'. Everything I did reminded me of him. Mrs. Knight should have understood too since she was practically my second mother.

Oh, and Katie. She went to L.A. to be a model. I once told her how pretty cute she had become and told her that she could be a successful model if she gave it a try, but I didn't think she would take it seriously. She did though, and returned home only like once every three months. When she was here, she still let me kiss her. I began to wonder. Did she like me _that way_? I hated to break her heart, but shouldn't she know where my heart was? It was buried on the ground with Logan! Come to think of it, I realized neither of us had really gone to Logan's cemetery. None of us was ready after all. We were the worst best friends... Oh, back to Katie. I knew things were weird between us, but I refused to think much further. I let everything being just like this. I let Katie herself decided what relationship we were actually having. If she wanted this to be a dating thing, she could call me a boyfriend, but my heart would never be on her grasp. If she wanted to do nothing more than kissing, it's fine. And if she wanted to stop... I hoped she didn't. I still needed her... for unknown reason.

Again, I refused to think further and complicate things.

Everyday stayed just the same. When Katie was in L.A., I slept at my own home. My mother and father treated me as if I was not broken, and neither brought up Logan in our conversation. I was grateful they did what exactly I needed them to. Although sometimes I overheard my mother talked to my father in their room about how she felt just as much loss. If I didn't have them, Knights, and Garcias (including his new family), I probably had attempted to kill myself.

* * *

><p>When that stupid car hit me, I thought this was it, I was going to die. I hated blood, but feeling how I was drenched in it made me sighed in relief. Yet somehow I had a feeling God was trying to ruin my hope again. My question was answered when I felt hands lifting my body from that street and I was seated in... The car smelled like Kendall's! Right, it was him who drove me to the hospital. As we reached there, I dozed off and woke up in one of the rooms.<p>

I lost my _hair_. But I didn't care. I knew I used to pay a lot of attention to how I looked, but now what was the point, really, when the one I wanted to impress was no longer present.

Katie ended this weird relationship we had. It would be lying to say I wasn't affected. No matter how oblivious and _dead_ I was, it still saddened me that even Katie didn't want me anymore. I wondered how much gorgeous that Tyler kid had become that she chose him over me. Oh, right, I wasn't gorgeous at all now, I forgot. Katie also forced me to admit one thing I hoped it was no longer true, that I would dump her right away if Logan suddenly appeared in front of me. I really, didn't understand. Why did she ask me that? Logan's dead. He's not coming back no matter how much I cried over this loss.

I was tired of hoping only to be crushed again. But I couldn't help it. Her words went straight to my head and I ended up dreaming in my nap. I dreamt of waking up beside Logan in a big bed. I dreamt of us being twenty years old, that we're just married and now living together. I dreamt that everything was just a nightmare. I dreamt of telling my husband about this whole nightmare and he comforted me telling that it's not going to happen. I dreamt of Logan's smile. I dreamt of Logan's love. Which I craved for.

And like my other hopes, this happy dream was crushed because I had to wake up. God didn't let me sleep forever, apparently. Faintly I heard Kendall's and Katie's voices, talking about something. I was just going to 'hey' them but then I decided to eavesdrop a little. The talk seemed serious, maybe if it was about my health or something? So I kept my eyes closed, faking sleeping.

"There's still a possibility that James refuses to...uh, reconcile? Cause this James isn't who you last knew. You've been too away to recognize how far James has changed."

Reconcile? What was this about?

"Stop being Logan-like, Baby Sister. You said it yourself, that James is ready to...sorry, to dump you right away if Logan comes back."

My heart beat a little faster when the name was mentioned. If Logan _comes_ back? What's with first conditional? If Logan were here sure he would correct his grammar mistake, stupid Kendall...

"Yeah but we were using second conditional, as it was impossible to happen. I don't know how he will react if it turns out to be a fact."

I opened my eyes instantly. What did she just say? I was ready to ask for confirmations, that perhaps I misheard something here, but they continued to talk I'd just continue to listen.

"And don't be sorry. It's the rightest thing. James has to dump me and come to whom he belongs with."

"... So, what if James reacted the way we wouldn't want him to?"

"I'd feel bad for Logan. He told me not to tell him if James refused to accept him back. But I did drag him here so... I don't know. It will break everyone's heart."

Logan was _here_? Oh God... please tell me it's not another of Your cruel sense of humour. Don't crash my hope again... I felt my eyes teary. I was awake, wasn't I? Not dreaming of waking up or something like that again? This was real?

Someone had to explain what was going on. Otherwise I would go crazy. Or perhaps I was indeed crazy because I believed someone dead could come back to live. Yeah. Then Kendall and Katie were loons to.

"Kendall!"

I stopped dazing off and looked at the siblings again. Katie was looking at me in horror. Kendall was no different. I assumed they weren't meant to tell me about Logan? WHY? The tears in my eyes dropped at the thought. The two should understand better than anyone if Logan was here, in any way possible, I was the one who had to know right away!

"J-James, how much did you hear us talking?" Katie scooted closer to me, asking such a rhetorical question. I knew my expression already showed her that I had heard enough what I needed to hear, unless she thought I was that stupid not to understand.

In fact, I didn't understand though. I didn't understand what 'Katie dragging Logan here' meant. Logan _really_ became a ghost and she could see him? Logan got raised back to life like a zombie? Logan never died? I frowned at my last guest. In fact, I never _saw_ him dead, didn't I? True, but how could you explain someone so badly injured, whose life depending on machines, with all the doctors giving up, suddenly got cured only a week after? Did miracle really happen? Somebody needed to explain this to me!

Sighing, she asked again, "Your words were true, right? If Logan comes, you'll accept him back in your life? You still love him and you're going to admit it, right?"

It's true... It's true! Logan was ALIVE!

I wanted to scream "Just bring Logan here now!" but in the same time I felt scared, like... really scared. A train of 'what if's flooded my mind, I couldn't stop it this time. What if things changed? What if the feelings changed? What if Logan changed? Because I indeed changed.

What if Logan didn't love me anymore, and he last met me because he felt burden meeting me? What if he wasn't the same Logan I remembered, the Logan I had fallen in love with? What if _if_ he still loved me, I actually didn't feel the same anymore, that it's _me_ who couldn't accept him? What if I had to break his heart, resulted him away from me forever? What if ...Katie! Oh my God what if he found out what I did with Katie?

My thoughts terrified me. I wouldn't be able to stand the fact that something's changing. Six years... It had been six fucking years. I had failed to recognize my own feelings.

"What happened? What exactly happened?" My voice shook as I asked her.

Katie explained shortly, just where Logan had been all this time, the accident, how he was used as medical practice, how she met Logan again, and that he was now outside. My mind took her words in very slow process. Now I did understand. Everything.

Except, to figure my feelings out, I needed to see him.

The door opened, revealing Kendall, who actually had gone out of the room without my notice. "James, Logan's coming in, alright?"

The fear crept on me again, but I nodded. I just _had to_ see Logan or else I wouldn't even bring myself to believe all of this. Katie walked towards her brother and went out with him.

And finally, I got to see him again.

I saw the same fear in his eyes, those chocolate coloured eyes which I had always adored. They had that familiar warm gaze which I so longed to hold again. The brown short hair now fell down instead of spiky. His built didn't really change. The skin was still pale. And those lips slowly forming that usual crook smile of his, revealing his dimples. God, I missed him. If I hadn't been infused, I would have run into him and given him bone crushing hug right aw―didn't have to.

Logan came closer and wrapped his arms around my shaking body. He put my head to rest on his chest, being extra careful not to hurt my bandaged head. My eyelids felt heavy as he provided too much comfort. I sighed in contentment, and I knew I was crying because one hand was removed to wipe my cheeks with his thumb. Suddenly, my world had its shine again and everything felt perfect.

But... My feelings weren't like that sparkling fireworks I used to feel when I hugged him. What I felt now was only like I finally found what I had been looking for, what I had been missing. I felt so complete, that I would surely die if Logan went gone again. It was so much different.

_What is this I'm feeling?_ _Is this not a _love _anymore?_ I cringed at the thought. I couldn't bear the fact that I was not in love with Logan anymore. It felt so wonderful to love him, felt so happy to. I had forgotten how it's like because I was forced to accept the fact that he's dead, but now, now that he's very much alive and hugging me, I wanted to love him again, so bad!

My grip on his hips tightened as I cried harder. Logan noticed this but he didn't budge. We stayed like this for what seemed forever but in spite of it I still whimpered at the loss when Logan pulled back. "So, James, how are you?"

I almost chuckled at his lame choice of first-sentence-to-say-after-parting-with-your-boyfriend-for-six-years. Almost. I wouldn't reply him sarcastically though, I didn't want to make him feel bad; so I replied as lamely, "I'm fine, thank you."

Logan grinned for me. "Really? You have no hair."

"Does it matter to you?"

"Well it mattered to you."

"It used to matter."

"Right... You've changed. I've changed. Everyone has too. It scares me."

It scared me too. _And did our love change, Logan, tell me!_ The grin on his face faltered as he stared down at me. My eyes widened. Did I just...ask that out loud?

"James... I―I don't know. Something's different. Honestly, my heart isn't beating like crazy and I no longer need to kiss you all the time like I used to everytime you're around."

I couldn't believe I wanted to cry knowing our feelings were mutual. Oh, I did, out of happiness when Logan said he loved me too years ago. But this time, out of misery knowing this wasn't a love anymore.

"Katie said you're no longer the same James I knew. Your character's changed. You speak very few. And you have no hair, though it really didn't matter to me. But I believed I would always be in love with you no matter what. Yet here, I don't understand. I should have felt _things_ I used to feel. But I don't. I only feel like... finally, I get to see you again. It's been so long, James, so long..."

It's my turn to wipe the dropping tears on Logan's cheek. My heart dropped at what he said. Even Logan, the smartest person I'd ever known, couldn't define these weird feelings. "Really, Logan? Cause the feeling is mutual..."

There was a hint of sadness too in his composure. "But I want to hug you again, though. I feel like it's my place there, around you. Or in your arms instead?"

I pulled him closer as he sat down on the chair beside my bed. This was my place. And this was where he should always be. I didn't care if this wasn't love, I just couldn't let him go anymore. "Cause the world stops when I put my arms around you, around you, oh..."

This was the first time in the last two years that I sang. My voice hoarsened, I hated it, but Logan seemed care less about it. "And nothing even matters, oh, and nothing even matters." He continued, with also deeper voice but not as horrible as mine.

I closed my eyes, agreeing. Right. Nothing even mattered as long as I had Logan in my arms.

-End of Chapter 10-

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><p>AN: Yep, end of Ch 10. I bet you all go wtf right now? xD So if it's not love, then what is that they're feeling? Find out in Ch 11 :p


	11. Chapter 11

**Title:** Permission Ch 11

**Main characters:**Logan Mitchell, James Diamond

**Side characters:** (Everyone who has appeared and been mentioned)

**Warning:** Slash Jagan, mentioned of sex but nothing that a K+ can't take (I guess?)

Summary: The end of the story.

A/N: There, a new chapter! A happy chapter! xD

Replies for those reviews on which I can't click 'Reply' button:

MissMaslowHenderson: _Sorry Im just tooo exited to log in! THIS WAS AMAZING I WAD LIKE YEASHHH JAMES POV! Awwww thats WAS SOO CUTE WHen THEY WERE SINGING NOTHIN EVEN MATTER! (i loove that song) mostly because it was from that episode BigTimePromKings when logan is prom king and james is his queen omg THAT IS MY FAV EPISODE! Anywhoo GIRl THESE CHAPTERS KEEP GETTING BETTER AND BETTER! ^0^ They are actually FANSTASIC! I LOVE THIS SOO MUCH! ^0^ And im srry a I know I havent been reviewing but TRUST MEH for niw on imma review every chapter! :D okay whooo that was great! I CANT WAIT FOR MOREEEE! I LOVE IT! °0°_  
>Fanmin: I like James's POV better too! I thought that's because I like James more, hahaha~ And 'Nothing Even Matters' is my second fav. My first is 'This is Our Someday', which I put here too ^^ BT Prom King is like an episode dedicated to all Jagan lovers! xDDDD I'm very happy that you think it's getting better! And, uh, now I think I sound so greedy over reviews Dx Can't help it. I'm going to wait for your review in this chapter! Thanks for reading and reviewing~!<p>

AureaSE:_ Woow yes! yes! Finally they are together yay But what is it that they are feeling? Update please:)  
><em>Fanmin: This chapter will answer your question ^^ Here's the update, thanks for reading and reviewing! xDDD

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><p>"I got it!"<p>

Emily Frederick lifted the bouquet of flowers she just caught high and jumped in excitement. "Doesn't this mean I'll be the next?" Everyone else smiled as she skipped towards her fiancé. "We'll be next!"

"Really? I haven't even _thought_ of proposing you." Her fiancé, Kendall Knight, smirked as he held her close.

"You're going to do it sooner or later anyway." Emily replied, equally cocky.

From afar, Carlos Garcia shook his head, chuckling at the sight of Kendall and Emily competing at words. "What a stupid couple. They're twenty eights and they don't realize it."

"Yeah. Years ago I wouldn't guess that Kendall will be the last to mature. And you to be the first." Jennifer agreed. The other two Jennifers nodded in agreement too. They were there too with them, as they came here alone, not bringing their actor and singer husbands along.

"I bet if we somehow could go back to the past and told our old selves who was with whom now, everyone was going to pass out," Camille and Steve joined the four, bringing their two-year-old daughter. Ronald, who was eating his ice cream in boredom, took interest at the baby girl and began making faces, earning giggles from her.

"Very true. I would faint, knowing how much I hated Carlos back then."

"And I would faint too, in disbelief, that I get to marry a Jennifer." Carlos added.

Curly haired Jennifer chuckled, "And the beautiful bride over there would faint too, knowing the handsome groom beside him used to look. He was chubby but... well, she wouldn't think she was going to marry him, right?"

"Kendall would faint knowing that he would break up with Jo," Steve also added.

"So everyone's going to faint. Alright. Except for that lovey-dovey couple currently in the cruise," Carlos snickered, remembering his other two best friends. "I bet they're busy making out right now. I can't believe they refused to come to Katie's wedding!"

"Carlos! They're on honeymoon, remember? It's Katie and Tyler's fault for getting married right just two weeks after James and Logan did! I can't believe the two instead. They've been arranging for their marriage but they didn't tell anyone!" Camille protested.

"Yeah, still... Look, everyone is here. Guitar Dude and that Piano Lady wife of his; Jett and...oh, I thought he was gonna bring a llama, hahaha, isn't she a celebrity? Jo and Troy are here too. And, oh my God, is that Mr. Bitters?" Carlos pointed at one direction, the others' eyes following.

"It's really him. Oh my, his hair's all white," the brunette Jennifer exclaimed.

"He's talking to Buddha Bob, right? He doesn't change much," Steve commented.

"Even Mrs. Collins comes. It should have been a perfect Palm Woods reunion! Too bad, other than those two, Gustavo and Kelly can't either," Carlos sighed.

"Hey at least they came when James and Logan got married. Only a few people came into their wedding. I feel bad for them," the blonde Jennifer now disagreed with his husband. "Why is it you who feel sad? Katie herself is okay when James said they wouldn't come."

"Well, I feel sad that it can never be perfect a reunion. When we got married, Logan wasn't there."

"It doesn't matter, Honey. You know Logan would have come if only... if only."

"Well, let's just hope when Kendall and Emily got married, everyone could attend."

The six of them nodded at the same hope. They couldn't wait for the last single person among them to finally get married with the psychiatrist he had grown to love very dearly in the last two years.

* * *

><p>James was resting on the headboard of the bed, while Logan was sitting on his lap. They both were very comfortable in their position, enjoying the afterglow. James's hands were cupping his husband's face, eyes staring into the depth of the man's eyes, making sure the latter know how much he loved him. However, the peaceful silence finally was broken by Logan's sigh.<p>

"I still think we should go back. It's _Katie_, out of all others, we are ones of those who must come, James..."

"Logan, why do you think, she arranged the date of their marriage today? Katie is smart, you know? Of course she knows by today, we'll be in honeymoon. She doesn't want us there. At least _me_ there."

Logan rolled over and tucked himself under the blanket. James quickly sensed the growing insecurity beside him so he did the same and held the genius close. "If you're talking about love, it's something between us, between Katie and Tyler. What I feel towards Katie isn't something as close. It's awkwardness, Logan, we don't know how to behave with each other. I like her, yes, and I'm grateful as she has always taken good care of me, but you're whom I desire, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, the one I can never let go..."

Small smile appeared on the man's lips. "Getting good at defining feelings, aren't you?"

"Yeah. Don't want to assume things wrongly again. Learned by experience."

"I still can't believe that we were stupid enough to think for once we could ever stop loving each other."

"And I can't believe there's that moment when I didn't want to do this," James rose slightly to peck Logan on the lips, "didn't feel this with you're around," The shorter boy returned the kiss lazily, agreeing with what James just said.

"Cause the world stops when I put my arms around you, around you, oh..." James started, closing his eyes as he enjoyed the other's presence beside him.

"And nothing even matters, oh, and nothing even matters..." Logan continued. The song was their song but it had become _their_ song somehow.

Their voices had gotten better than two years ago when they first met, results of randomly humming and harmonizing with each other during years living together. They were still better back then when they were performing, though, but nothing even mattered.

* * *

><p><em>Katie was of all people the most upset when James and Logan announced that the time had taken the love they used to feel away. But she couldn't do anything. The fact that James had been able to smile now had delighted her big time. After James got out from the hospital, they all lived in their own houses. Katie stayed in L.A., though, still visited the psychiatrist because she really wanted to stay away from the addictions forever. She told everyone about this. Kendall and James were shocked of course, and James had apologized to her like thousand times, although the girl said it was her own fault.<em>

_However, James and Logan met each other almost everyday, sometimes out for coffee, sometimes just hanging in Knights' house. As much as they weren't boyfriends anymore, they needed each other. They would get energy to go through the day only by the other's presence. And they couldn't bring their selves to even try to find a new lover. The relationship was strange, both realized it, but never questioned it because they liked it that way._

_When Logan finally graduated from his university, he asked James to come with him. Because, if James refused, Logan would instantly cancel his application and try for Minnesota General Hospital instead. Logan just couldn't live far away from James. He was afraid that time would take what he had with James now away again. However, James automatically agreed. James quickly quitted his work in his mother's company and went with Logan. They hired an apartment together, and since then they lived together. Logan became a doctor, while James got to work with Carlos as his boss._

_Someone said first love was like the first snow. The love was fragile and melted right away because it's never meant to last long. That was why ninety six percent of first romance ended up breaking. Logan was James's first love, and so James was Logan's. Six years had it gone. So they broke up. But guess what? They had been best friends forever that although the lust had gone, the need stayed. The attraction had evaporated, but the affection remained. The two years living with each other got them realize what they felt and why they didn't feel what they didn't feel._

_And the two years living together were enough to get them to _fall in love_ again. This time, it was stronger and so going to last. The lust unnoticeably came back when James kept seeing shirtless Logan around. And the attraction was born as soon as James's hair grew and he began to relive his 'pretty boy' title. Their hearts beat faster and faster and... something was still different. What they felt back then was fragile first love. What they felt now was strong true love._

_The next thing they knew, one night they were kissing and making out and making love and James asking Logan if he wanted to marry him._

_Katie was of all people the most ecstatic when James and Logan announced that the time once had given them a chance to raise the love again. Kendall and Carlos were pleased too, knowing their two best friends finally got their happiness. Their parents gave them full permissions this time, and Hortence Mitchell promised to _try_ to make peace with Brooke Diamond. The marriage was held in L.A., since the people they wanted to invite mostly lived in that city. Not many people could come, but they felt grateful enough. Kendall, Katie, Carlos, all their parents, blonde Jennifer, Camille, Steve, Emily, Tyler, Gustavo, Kelly, and a few of Logan's college friends were the ones who made to come._

_James and Logan's parents wedding presents were tickets to go on a cruise for a full month, for a sweet honeymoon._

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><p>While Logan was daydreaming about everything that had happened, he suddenly heard soft snoring beside him. He chuckled at the adorableness of his husband. In his sleep James looked as peaceful as he always did many years ago, not holding any signs of pain anymore. Logan gently stroked the short brown hair, with different hairstyle that made James more to 'gorgeous' than 'pretty'. Slowly Logan drifted off too, equally contented smile on his lips.<p>

"_Maybe six years of pain swooped in the middle of your happiness, but it will come together. Someday you will work it again,"_ Carlos once said. Right, this was the someday Logan had always been looking forward to.

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><p>Every story had its ending, and for James and Logan, with each other was where their individual story ended. They would make new chapters together, because finally, they got God's permission to be together, forever this time.<p>

-End of Chapter 11-

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><p>AN: The whole storyline has ended. I hope you like how I go with it. Thank you so much for everyone who has been reading this far! This story's status is now complete, but I'm going to write the side stories as new chapters so stay alert :D The side stories are still in the form of plot bunnies now. So the next update will take much longer time. I wonder if anyone wants to request as what side story you want me to write? Just say it on your review ^^

Oh, I've edited Ch 2 too because my plot kinda mixed up there. Logan is not supposed to still rehearse for BTR and study to be doctor after he's married! Stupid me xp


	12. Chapter 12

**Title:** Permission Ch 12: Perfect Future

**Main characters: **Logan Mitchell,James Diamond

**Side characters: **Carlos, Jennifer, Kendall, Emily, Camille, Steve, and the children (Some are only mentioned)

Summary: Logan loved kids. But James didn't know his way with them.

A/N: I had writer's block, then I saw this story, then I thought of a cute continuation! The POV seems to change somewhere in the middle, from James to Logan, a result of pending this story so long. It suits that way, I can't fix it, sorry.

_So I should tell you that this story was written before I really comprehended all episodes of BTR. So there are a lot of mistakes, like the place where James auditioned, the name Hortense Logan Mitchell, their ages, James's parents' divorce, and many others, perhaps. Well, just go with it, if you've read the previous chapters. I'm so sorry and it's just too messy to correct everything._

_What a long author note! Omg. Anyway, thank you for everyone who's been reading this first BTR fanfic of mine. It's like terrible so if you've reached here, I can't be happier. Love you all!_

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><p>James chuckled at the adorable sight of his husband curling up with kids. He was soundly asleep, five-year-old Ronald on his right and three-year-old Daphne on his chest. Books and pencils were scattered around the mattress, informing him that they had been studying before. Of course, James smiled, offered a sincere help to tidy the mess up. Since Carlos, Jennifer, Camille, and Steve left their babies for their second honeymoons, the little apartment wasn't so peaceful anymore. Toys could be found anywhere. Laughter and cries filled the air. Honestly, James minded it. He never dealt well with kids.<p>

However Logan loved children, as much as how tiring babysitting them could be. James knew Logan would be terribly disappointed if he turned down the request and gave the burden to Kendall and Emily instead. So he let the two hyperactive kids livened their lives, for a while.

James had expected it though, that when the pairs came back to pick their sweethearts, Logan would feel lonely. The doctor didn't have to explicitly say it; James already knew that Logan had long wanted children. Maybe it was the time.

Logan once mentioned about finding a willing 'mother' or stuffs James actually had not truly understood about. All he knew was that Logan would donor his sperm and those smart doctors would put it somehow so that 'mother' would be pregnant and later give the baby back to Logan and James. Deep inside, James felt tiny bit of disapproval. It felt like the kid belonged to Logan and that woman, not him. Of course James would love the kid like his biological son, but what if the kid grew up and asking questions? He was going to know the truth and what if he didn't accept James?

Maybe it was the time. James shouldn't care about his worry. Logan's happiness always had to come out as priority.

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><p>One night, James was already in bed when Logan came home. The good thing of working in a company was you went home in time, except you got extra work to do. But being a doctor was different. Sometimes Logan could leave early or much later, more frequently the latter. Judging his expression, James decided to bring the topic now so those lips could form a smile again. "Rough day?"<p>

"Very tiring. Barely had time to relax yet more patients showed up." Logan removed his clothing, ready to take warm bath. "I'm really sorry, James. I seem to be a bad husband to you. I left home early and came home late, as if I didn't care about you…"

James's eyes widened, not expecting that. "What? No, Logan. You work hard because it's your job. I'm proud of you, you know?"

The other smiled in relief. "Well… You look down yourself. And the way you stare, it's like you want to tell me something. I thought you were gonna complain about me being super busy like this."

"I do have something to tell you but it's not it. Just take a bath and come here and we're gonna cuddle while we talk. Okay?"

Logan nodded, looking a bit nervous. But the cuddling promise gave him reassurance that everything was alright. About ten minutes later, he came out from the bathroom, hair wet and looking fresh, which was still sexy in James's opinion. But tonight wasn't about his lust. Logan was tired and they had a matter to talk about.

The doctor climbed the bed and settled himself next to his husband, inside the comforter. He rested his head on James's shoulder, snuggling to his arm. "So, what do you want to talk about?"

The taller smiled slightly as he pulled the others body closer, placing him in between his legs so the boy's back was resting on his chest. His arms wrapped around him like he was a big fluffy teddy bear. "It's about Ronald and Daphne…"

"What about them? Are they okay? James, Carlos and Camille didn't just call to tell bad news, right?" Logan suddenly turned, looking panicked.

"They're safe and happy in their parents' embrace, Logan," said James, a little annoyed though he didn't mean to sound like that.

Logan quickly noticed it. "James, I can't help it, okay? Please stop being jealous towards them. I love kids and I care about them also because they're children of our best friends. Eventhough I love you more than anything else in the world, you need to allow me worry about them."

James buried his face on Logan's hair. "I'm not jealous. I just don't do well with kids."

"You don't. But you so are."

"…honestly I'm afraid I will lose you again."

"Six years and my heart is still with you. We have agreed we were idiots for thinking for once we were able to stop loving each other."

The words brought smile to James's lips. "Love you so much."

"Love you too." Logan stretched to peck his lover's lips sweetly. "So what about Ronald and Daphne?"

James turned Logan so the boy couldn't see his face. "Umm… I was thinking. Their presence last holiday made us busier, well, made you busier, and caused me headache. But you're happy taking care of them. And I'm happy when you're happy. So I think–"

Logan frowned. "You make it sound jealous again, James. Like the kids make me happy while you can't."

"…I didn't sound that way."

"Fine you didn't. But please know you make me happy all the time. When I'm all tired, knowing you'll be there in the home I'm heading to, things become bearable." Logan wanted to face James and kissed him again, however James's strong arms kept him there.

"I'll continue. No interruption until I finish what I have to say. Well, so I think… we should get kids too for us. They will keep you happy while I–"

"See? You say that yourself," Logan pointed out.

"No interruption, Logaaaan." James playfully pinched his husband's side, earning a fit of giggle. "Okay, okay. I do make you happy. But without a doubt the presence of kids makes you even happier. And that's what I'd do."

"I won't be happy because they'll trouble you. They will be _our_ kids, James. You'll be their father too, so it's not okay if you aren't as excited having them around."

"I'll try to love them?"

"You tried to love Katie and you failed."

James's expression changed. "Why do you have to remind me about things in the past? I don't want to through the feeling again. Logan, I don't want to lose you ever again."

Logan knew mentioning them would hurt his lover, especially when it was about Katie. James and Katie still weren't on speaking terms right now. It wasn't about forgiveness, they were never mad at the beginning. It was just awkwardness they didn't know how to solve. Logan had been convinced enough that they had no feelings for each other that he should be jealous over, so he wanted more than anything for things to work out at the end. He thought by mentioning her once a while would finally get James's reaction different.

Apparently not. Now James stopped hugging him and his eyes looked lost. The sight tore Logan's heart. The boy was desperate to light him up again. He regretted making the situation all serious like this. "I'm sorry. James, look at me. You'll never have to lose me again. We're married, remember?" Logan was now free to turn and gaze into the sad blank eyes.

It took few seconds for James to finally gaze back. "Logan…"

"I'm here."

"Let me try, Logan? I'll love the kids."

"Of course. We go to adopt some cute babies tomorrow."

"Adopt them? But you said–"

"You disliked the idea. James, we'll do what we both agree, alright? We adopt the kids, raise them together." Logan buried his face on the crook of James's neck, kissing the skin below. "When they grow up, they won't question about us or about their real parents. Because we're amazing fathers. They'll be very grateful that we adopted them. They'll kiss our cheeks on father's day. They'll introduce their future lovers to us so we can give them permission for their marriage."

The images flowed freely on James's mind. He closed his eyes, smiling as he actually enjoyed it. The sadness from earlier soon forgotten as James pulled Logan to grin at him. He even added more scenes of their cute little dream. Logan was so much relieved when he succeeded bringing the sparkles back into James's hazel eyes. Until the night stroke, they kept discussing about their future children, and then they fell asleep on each other's embrace with smiles on their lips.

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><p>It was a small world. Circumstances and destiny would work somehow to determine your life, like whom you were gonna end up being in love with. James and Logan adopted a baby boy who looked almost alike with them. Pale perfect skin, hazel eyes, brunette hair, smart brain, and tall; named Oliver. Emily gave birth to a baby boy too a year after, named Leon. In the same year Ronald got a sister named Karen.<p>

Despite not being in the same age, Ronald, Karen, Daphne, Oliver, and Leon were very close. Ronald always hung with his younger friends, being a reliable guardian. Perhaps it had something to do with their parents' closeness, but they certainly got along.

Eighteen years passed before the sweet random dream Logan suggested came true. Oliver came with a bright smile, kissing James's and Logan's cheeks in turn. "I'm going to propose Leon, Dads."

James and Logan knew better than to deny what their sweetheart's desire. They used the moment to tell the grown up boy about their angsty love story, how a denied permission gave them heartbreak and how they got together again. Oliver was shocked, as he thought his parents were always happy and loving like they had been in love since before they were born. At the end, the three men used the night to play 'truth or truth', meant they had to admit everything. It was fun and the family bonded even tighter.

Kendall and Emily did the same, though she asked this sentence for umpteenth time: "Why are handsome boys are either taken or gay?" She was joking though. They both supported their son's love big time.

On their marriage, Katie and James shared a smile. Logan and Kendall felt so happy. _Finally_, they thought. It was a good start. A very good start.

Later, Ronald married Daphne. Karen chose not to marry, as she decided to devote herself to her career as an actress, following his parents' majority.

Everything was just perfect.

-End of Chapter 12-


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